Six of one...: A-Team Vs. The Losers

So I don't know how common this event will be, but every once in a while Hollywood comes out with the exact same movie twice and releases them months from each other. We all saw Deep Impact and Armageddon; Volcano and Dante's Peak et. al. There's the more recent examples as well of Observe and Report and Paul Blart Mall Cop. So when this continues to happen, as i'm sure it will since Hollywood has absolutely no new ideas left, I'll be here to tell you which one to see, which one to skip, or most likely tell you to skip them both while I blatantly mock them. For our first installment, we have to terribly bad trailers to two (probably) equally bad films. So lets logially look at this, create a mathmatical equation and see which film will come out on top if any at all.

A-Team

Vs.

The Losers

It's not just me right? These look like the exact same movies. An elite, all male, group who each specialize in something and must join forces once again to make those that did them wrong pay. They do this, of course, by absurd and spectacular actions scenes. So, which one to watch and which one to skip? Let do the equation:

We must compare and contrast each cast member and plot point so lets get started.

The Scruffy Rogue Leader:

Liam Neeson > Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Proof: ([Batman Begins x {Schindler's List + Love Actually - The Haunting}] / Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace)

Is much greater than:

([Watchmen-P.S. I Love You] / Grey's Anatomy)

The Math Does itself really. Conclusion: 5 points for A-Team

Next! The Heartthrob sarcastic side kick:

Bradley Cooper > Chris Evans

Proof: ([Alias + The Hangover] / [Valentines Day - All About Steve]

Is slightly greater than:

([Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World - Cellular] / ([Fantastic Four - Fantastic 4: The Silver Surfer - The First Avenger: Captain America] / The Avengers)

This ones a lot harder. There's almost nothing close to decent on either of their two resume's whatsoever. Conclusion: 2 points for A-Team

The hot chick, who knows she shouldn't, but helps them anyway due to her massive sexual attraction to one/all of the boys in the group:

Jessica Biel & Zoe Saldana

Proof: (The Illusionist x [Elizabethtown - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre] / {Valentines Day - [I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry / 7th Heaven] - Stealth}

Is less than:

(Avatar x (Star Trek + The Terminal + Pirates of the Caribean: Curse of the Black Pearl - Takers] / Death at a Funeral)

This was going to be a close one, but looking a list of the movies Jessica has been in, it's no contest. Conclusion: 3 points for The Losers

The token black bad ass (a##, for those of you with sensitive eyes):

Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson & Idris Elba

Proof: (UFC)

Is much less than:

(The Wire x [The Office + American Gangster] / [Takers - The Unborn]

This one isn't even close. Surprisingly, Idris has possibly the second most impressive resume of both these movies (next to lord Liam of course). The Wire is legit. And has no one ever seen a movie with The Rock or Michael Cena in it?! Do they not realize putting a sports (?) star (?) in a movie is a bad idea?! It would have been better to go with Mr. T even though he's old and cliche. I pity the fool who puts a UFC star in a big role of their film. 'Rampage' proves my suspicions right with his awesome delivery of the line, "I'm B.A. and you're going to B. unconscious" in the trailer. It's right before he kicks a guy who goes flying up through a window. Now I'm not science geek or anything, but if you kick someone the way he kicks someone the velocity and trajectory of the action would never result in the object being kicked to fly up. But they wanted him to look B. A. (bad ass). Conclusion: 7 points for The Losers.

Villain:

Patrick Wilson > Jason Patric (who?)

Proof: (Hard Candy x [Little Children + The Phantom of the Opera + Watchmen])

Is much greater than

(In the Valley of Elah / [My Sisters Keeper - Speed 2: Cruise Control]

Another no brainer: 5 points for A-Team

Other cast:

Sharlto Copley > [Columbus Short + Oscar Jaenada]

Proof: (District 9)

Is greater than:

([Armored - Stomp the Yard - White Out] / Death At a Funeral) + (Che: Part 2)

Copley takes it just because he was awesome in District 9 which was a pretty awesome movie and these two don't know what awesome means obviously (one may not even be able to say it with the language barrier and all). Conclusion: 3 points for A-Team

Well at this point this is we're we're at:

A-Team: 15

The Losers: 10

Other Deductions/Additions:

The whole innocent being set up plot is way too tried: -1 point for A-Team

B.A.'s line delivery and line in general: -1 point for A-Team

People thinking Murdoch trying to jump-start an ambulance with a defibrillator is funny: -1 point for A-Team

Liam Neeson and Sharlto Copley both struggling with their various American accents: -2 points for A-Team

All the absurd action at the end of the trailer: -3 points for A-Team

Zoe Saldana with a rocket launcher: + 1 point for The Losers

BlkGyver: - 1 point for The Losers

Women walking in on Chris Evans changing in an elevator and his expression that's meant to be funny: - 1 point for The Losers

Zoe Saldana dodging bullets in slow motion in her underwear: + 2 points for The Losers

The sniper shooting a motorcycle and it immediately blowing up while not killing the person on it (Chris Evens I believe): -2 points for The Losers

Chris Evan killing guard with his bare hands because his Mexican friend (or Colombian or something) is sniping them from far away: + 1 point for The Losers. Gotta admit, that's kinda cool.

The other ridiculous action: - 1 point for The Losers

That stupid and unfunny part where they make Idris Elba and Jeffrey Dean Morgan apologize to each other like they're children or something: - 2 points for The Losers

Final Score:

A-Team: 7

The Losers 7

Verdict:

Skip both. Seriously. Haven't I made this clear enough? These movies are both going to suck. Decent actors in some of them, but not worth it over all.