Worst Trailers: "Yogi Bear"

Yogi Bear. What is it? I never watched it growing up? Or did I? I don't remember. I know nothing about Yogi Bear. From this trailer I can infer that it's about a monotone bear who steals a bunch of food with overly clever contraptions. That's it.  No second or third dimension. No plot. No tricky underlying political message about Communism that was likely in the original (Those old cartoons are CRAZY. You ever watch Scooby Doo? Did you know he smoked weed? Brings a whole new meaning to Scooby snack don't it.)

Anyway there is no reason to ever make this into a big holiday feature length film, except that they're out of ideas and they're just grasping at straws. What is it about the holidays that make people flock to have 'film makers' throw their own fecal matter right into their waiting mouth and eyes? It's rank, bacteria infected fecal matter too! Yet we continue to go, year after year. It sickens me. I really hope that my eventual kid is smart. Please let her be smart. Because if she's stupid like nearly every other child in America she'll want to watch this stuff. And if she wants to watch this stuff then I have to be the bad guy and tell her, "No, honey, I will not let this abnoxious bear molest your brain." And then Social Services will take her away from me. And then my eventual hot super model wife will leave me for someone who does let their kids rot their own brain. And then I'll buy a lot of cats that look like Whitefat. And then I'll die alone, a gay prostitue in Long Island. And all of that because of how terrible Yogi Bear is going to be. Yogi Bear. Bastard. Let's take a look.



Effing annoying narrator guy comes in right from the beginning. It doesn't even have a chance of being good. Then Yogi, looking directly at the camera, says, "I'll take it from here Mr. Narrator!!" So, 1. He's aware that there's a narrator. 2. He's aware he's being filmed. Why the hell does this CGI remake bear also need to be self aware? Why? Biggest. Crapheap. Ever. The only decent thing is that it looks like the narrator is going to shut up now... nope he keeps talking. Damn. Now how did they get a boat. Why can they drive it? Where'd he learn to water ski on one foot like that? This trailer is already completely ludacris* and we're not even a third of the way in yet.

*And yes I spelled Ludacris like the hip hop star and not the actual correct grammatical way of spelling ludicrous. Go rap!

Then a huge belch shakes Jellystone National Park. We come to find out Boo Boo just had indigestion issue. Rule #1 of Comedy: BODY HUMOR IS ALWAYS FUNNY. If you're not smart enough to come up with a clever retort or a funny observation, just fart! It works every time. (If it doesn't work, fart louder or make fart sounds with your armpit. Someone will eventually laugh.) And then you can rest in the knowledge that, "Hey! If I made someone laugh I must be funny! I'm going to write a screenplay! Or a catch rap tune! And upload it to youtube!" And it's faulty thinking like this, that somehow won Andy Samberg a career. We live in the end of days.

Then, to the tune of a SUPER annoying pop song, we get to see Yogi fall down. Rule #2 of Comedy: PEOPLE GETTING HURT IS ALWAYS FUNNY. It doesn't even have to make sense! In this case it's a poorly created CGI bear that falls off a roof. Kids will laugh at that. Yes, kids will laugh at The Wiggles, which means kids will laugh at anything, which means kids don't know any better. But that's beside the point! The point is people (or bears) getting hurt is funny!!!!!  It's so funny that within literally two seconds the bear falls down again. It's like two funny jokes in one! Further proof that pain=humor- Jackass. Now it couldn't be that Jackass is just a group of neanderhtals who are too dense or drunk to keep a job that makes them money so they just mess around and do stupid shit with their friends. NO! JACKASS IS COMEDY GENIUS! Want proof? They slap a midget in the face. With a fish. In slow motion. In 3D. 'Nuff said. Pain is always funny.

The next bit is a montage that proves that if both Rule 1 and 2 (above) are true, then this movie is hilarious! Yogi hits a tree and falls down (Rule 2), Yogi spits something at the camera (Rule 1) Yogi gets hit in the head with a tree (2). Genius.

Boo Boo has got the moves. WHAT MOVES?!?! What does that mean? He turns on music. Is that move? Well i guess if you're a bear. Or if you want to impress lady bears... I still don't get it.

Yogi gets hit in the face with a pie (2).

Ugh. The bloody bear not only looked at the camera, but now he's pointing at us. "We're going to break the picnic barrier!" The only thing he's breaking is the fourth wall and it's pissing me off.

Then the bears go skydiving.

Then the bears give the people the razzle dazzle... WAIT A SECOND. Rewind. WHAT THE HELL???!! How do those bears go skydiving?!?!? Where'd they get a plane?!?! Who's flying it?!!?!?! Where did they take sky diving lessons at?!?! How did they afford them?!?! Bear prostitution? Is that what it means when Boo Boo has the moves? Is moves a euphemism for crabs? WHAT IS GOING ON?!!??!?

Back to the razzle dazzle. Oh yeah... the bear blows up a village. The horrible actor who is playing the Michael Jordan live action character just acts annoyed with Yogi the whole time. I'd put that damn bear down. I'd put it down with smile. High fiving a million angels. Boo ya. But seriously, why is that bear still alive.

I'm going to skip over the shameless and disgusting 3D plug. And move onto the bears and their turtle friend white water rafting. I'm become so accustom to this bs that that doesn't even seem like the craziest thing ever to me. WAIT! WHY THE HELL DOES THAT TURTLE HAVE SUCH A LONG TONGUE?!?!? Is it a magic turtle?!?!! I'm going to be having nightmares of this six foot tongue tonguing my face while I sleep and when I wake up it's just this turtle at my feet looking at me with perverted eyes. *Shudder*

More bs ensues with Yogi and Boo Boo flying some kind of contraption of their own design. I can't even deal with that right now.

Then we have the MJ character suggest that Yogi forage for food. This results is a grub popping out of one nostril and then being blown out the other (1). In 3D!!!!! Oh my God how many times does this movie need to shove down your throat that it's in 3D?!?!? Oh, then Yogi runs into a sign (2) and gets gets his bear butt dragged along a fence (2).

I've talked about a lot of Worst Trailers on this blog, but i'd venture to say that this may be the worst. Of all time. Ever. And that's really saying something.