Worst Trailers: "Footloose"

I know, I know, I haven't posted in a while, and while I could spend this whole post apologizing like a sappy baby or whorey housewife, I'm going to instead put my guilt to good use and write a super funny column to remind you all while you started reading these in the first place. That is if there is anyone still here to listen....

Hello?...

Echo??!

Oh well. As you loyal followers know, this is going to be a movie some day. This will be the part of the movie where the Amy Adams/Radcliff character will be whining that no one loves him or follows his blog right before he is sky rocketed into super stardom. *Crosses fingers*. In the movie version, I'll write in a love interest who leaves me so: 1. Extra drama! 2. It looks like I actually get some as opposed to just sitting at home on my leather couch having fake lover's quarrels with my bitch cat.

I guess what I'm saying is stay tuned! I may not post often, but I will make it. Just like Amy Adams.

Onto what you're all here for. My rant against the worst of the worst in all of the entertainment land. Next we have a movie so bad that Zac Efron dropped out. And yeah, that's the Zac Efron who starred in a movie about playing baseball with his ghost brother. But if your expectations aren't low enough already get ready to drop them further as we take a look at this wretched trailer.

So some teens engage in a whole bunch of D activities, namely: Drinking, and Driving and Dying. Naturally then, the pastor/fogarty buzz-kill character, decides to ban the most vile of all D activities; DANCING!!!!!!! "We cannot be absent from our children's lives." Based on the context, my interpretation of this is that, lets call him Pastor Bob, is really not in favor of dropping your kids off at ballet practice.

After that introduction of this movie's excuse for a plot, we introduce our hero: Young Hot Troubled Teen (YHTT)! He comes on a bus from some bigger place and he's sent here to his simpleton, small town family for being so young and hot and troubled.  Next we meet 'Tudey Hot Country Girl (THCG). She's got a 'tude. Then YHTT runs into UCBFF (Ugly Country Butt FF [you can infer that last part]).  You can tell they're going to be best friends because they say insulting things about each other's accents. We are introduced to these character's names here, but I forgot them already. I think the UCBFF's was cliche and stupid though...

Then YHTT gets invited and subsequently challenged to an absurdly professional looking dance conglomeration with all the local ethnic teens giving it their all. THCG thinks he can't handle it but he sure proves her wrong by dancing all up on her... right in front of her dad. dun Dun DUN!!! She gets a firm talking to. I have to say something about this 'actress'. You know you should keep your day job when you're taking acting cues from Miley Cyrus.

We then get super plot download with Young Hot Troubled Teen getting called 'Trouble' by Miley's dad and getting in trouble with the law. This causes him to get mad, throw a 2x4 through a window, and vigorously angry-dance in an old warehouse alone. Still, with all that adversity, he will not give up the fight to legalize gay dancing.

Then, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, 'Tudey slut rips off her shirt in church to reveal her pro-dancing embroidered undergarments. This gets YHTT all fired up and he decides to preach at the pastor. In church. About how this is their time. Time to do what? Act like a Disney Channel Original Movie idea reject apparently.  Shortly there after the montage begins that shows what a great time this movie is going to be. I can almost here the deep voiced narrator guy. "It has dancing! It has hot sluts! It has hot heads fighting!" Speaking of the hot heads, I loved the, "I'm not here to dance," line. Get it? Because it's a dancing movie? But they're 'bout to do some good ole fashion wrastlin'!

Then, as if it couldn't descend into the trenches of ridiculousness and poor writing any further, there's a scene where Miley tries to kill herself.  BY GETING HIT BY A TRAIN! Why? Her life isn't just worth living without dancing! Also, busses explode after being rammed into each other! Also, line dancing!

Now I think anyone with two eyes and brain can see that this particular movie about dance is just about the worst, most idiotic trash invented since... well... the Smurfs movie. But I'm going to be a little controversial and say, I have a hard time taking any movie seriously that tries to make dancing important. "This is our time!" Really? I can't hear this line without imagining the low life, would-be victim of Natural Selection, who wrote it huddled in their parents basement eating KFC. Does anyone else realize that this plot doesn't even make sense anymore?! Sure, in the 80s when overly religious people and cults ruled most of Texas, someone could get away with banning dancing. Now it would make national news and the perpetrators would be sent to Guantanamo.

This is the world we live in. Steve Carrell leaves The Office and they don't have the decency to put the us out of our misery and cancel the show. Now, even though Zac f***ing Efron had better sense than to do this movie, and it still somehow got made. People spent, roughly the yearly budget of a small country on this trash heap while people are dying in Africa. I hope you're happy film makers.  Because of this movie, in my eyes, you're roughly on par with Idi Amin or some like war criminal responsible for genocide.

Soupy Twist.