A Bit of Fry and Larie: Lesbite

So it's been WAY too long since I posted. Been busy. Suck it haters, I have a life. I can only assume that if you are reading this you probably don't. Don't get me wrong! I love that you don't have a life. I love that you choose to spend your meaningless time here being educated about what is and isn't funny by me- a seasoned pro in the matter. Continuing on in the education, I give you a clip from a British sketch show called A Bit of Fry and Laurie. Yes that's House M.D. as the judge pre med school I can only imagine. Also pre terrible accident that caused him to lose his sexy British accent. But I digress. This sketch is the first of many I plan to post on here. Please enjoy this through your eyes dimmed with lust. Try to learn something.



"I long to nestle between your Lordship's thighs."

Amazing Lost Video

OK don't watch this if you're not caught up on Lost. If you are caught up hit the link below and enjoy.

Lost recap: "Across the Sea"

Ok I know I'm about a week late . I've been busy and I just didn't like the episode enough to write about it. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said by many a peeved blogger so I'll just hit the high (and low) points.

When I heard there was going to be a Jacob/Man In Black flashback episode I was so excited I leaked a little. Answers galore! Watching it, however was slightly underwhelming. The Executive Producers, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have said since the beginning of the season that their priority was the story and doing justice to their characters, and not going out of their way to answer questions. It's taking nearly a whole week of yoga and binge eating to accept that, and now that I finally have I can say that I really do respect it. They could have spent this season trying to please fans, running around and answering random questions like they were putting out wildfires. This, however, would have compromised the story. It wouldn't be as strong. Also, I always penalize movies, TV shows and books for letting their fan's opinions dictate how they tell their story. Lets face it, fans are stupid. Especially fans of nerdy things like Lord of the Rings, Star (both Wars and Trek), comic books, and, yes, Lost. Anyone that will go outside dress like a Kingon, Jedi or Elf on any day besides The Devil's Christmas (Halloween) should probably not be making important decisions. Anytime creators listen to fans the result is a travesty. Big example: Fans tell George Lucas, "We want more Star Wars!" What do they get for their desire? Three movies (I won't even call them films) that subjected us to Hayden Christensen's acting, Jar Jar Binks' voice, and lines like, "I saw him on the security hologram... killing younglings." The dude had 30 f***ing years to write these movies and that's what he came up with?

So as frustrated as I am that I'm not getting all the answers I wanted out of this season, or finding out everything I wanted to find out, I am glad that the producers are doing what they think is best for their story and not listening to what we think that we want to be told. Anyway onto the episode.

Shameless Plug: Desitus Aevi

This is the third and final student film I acted in this semester. My good friend (and blollower!) Alexis Pajak is in the film program at Scottsdale Community College. This was her big project of the semester. It was shot of 16mm film which was a much different experience than shooting digital with endless takes. I actually had to act good the first or second take which was new for me. Anyway I'm proud to present Desitus Aevi.

MTV Movie Awards

Well as hopefully none of you are dumb or emo enough to know, the MTV movie awards came out the other day and wow what a crap load of gold we have here. I think these are invented because the general public is always unhappy with the Oscars and wanted to be able to pick who they think deserve such things as best film, best actor etc. Of course the general public is too ignorant to know that they have no idea what acting is. Hell, they have no idea what good is apparently. Now, I don't agree with the Oscars 100% but no one does. They do however strive to reward great films and worthy actors. Every time I look at the MTV Movie Award nominations I feel like I'm looking at a bad SNL joke about stupid movie nominations. It's such a bad joke, it's not even funny. The Twilight Saga: New Moon is nominated for five out of twelve categories. That mean the majority of the youth of this country think that The Twilight Saga: New Moon is The Best the film making industry has to offer us. This, by their nominations, make it one of the three best films of last year along with Avatar and The Hangover. Pardon me while I join America and cry a tear for my generation.

Seriously I know that American youth are, on average, the absolute stupidest people in the world. But in the worlds of Maeby Funke speaking for the film making industry, "Why are we even going after this idiot demographic?" Why do studio executives cater to these people. 3 Reasons:

1. It's easy. As seen by The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The Twilight Saga: Twilight, The Last Song and every other movie aimed at teens in the last ten years, it takes little to no talent to make one of these films. They don't have to hire fancy directors, they just go with whoever's cheapest. I'm pretty sure the director of The Last Song did commercials or something pathetic before she took on her Miley Cyrus rom dram. It shows.

2. It makes bundles of money. Teen will pay for anything they think is cool. Or more they act like a prissy little brat until their parents buy them anything they think is cool. (Shame on you parents). Of course what teens think is cool is 99.9% of the time very pathetic and stupid. This is why movies that are pathetic and stupid usually do very well in the box office- idiotic teens.

3. Studio execs are actually that stupid too. As much as I want to believe this one, I don't think thats it. They don't think these are good films. They can't. Its impossible for someone with a higher education to watch these movies and actually think they're watching talented people right? I surely hope so. Most likely they're a slave to money and unfortunately, this is where the money is.

Anyway this is why the Oscars are not left to the people's choice. They may not be perfect but if you put them side to side with these 'awards' even their harshest critic would have to agree they're on the right track. I mean this is pretty bad. This is so bad that i think a lot of them are just repeats from the Razzie awards. Good news for the Razzies though, because if films just keep getting worse (they will) and people just keep getting stupider (there's literally no stopping them) the Razzies will be the most popular award show ever. They're nominating all the movies people love, and people will be too stupid to realize they're making fun of them.

I think nothing sets the bar of our intelligence as a nation as much this category right here:

Best WTF Moment.

Seriously? Best WTF Moment? WTF (Why the f***) is that even a category?! Were there scores of bad actors unable to get recognized for anything but their lack of talent going, "Why isn't there a category for us when we do weird things like talk about drinking our own urine?" Ugh! This generation is going to be the end of me.

Soupy Twist

Shameless Plug: Ghosts of Earth

This is the final PVCC student film I did this semester. It was Written and Directed by my friend, Drew Poleviyuma. Fun fact! Being the uber vain actor that I am (and make sure you're saying 'actor' in the pretentious British way I wrote it), I wanted to play the lead in this film; the part that Drew himself ended up playing. He, instead, wanted me to play the villain- the leader of a virus of sorts that has taken over human bodies and unifies them together into a single consciousness (very Borg-esque). I am very glad he did because I had a great time playing him, and I won Best Actor at the school's film festival for this role. Now it was a community college student film festival so I'm not letting my ego run wild or anything, but it was definitely an honor. Anyway, without further ado, I give you Ghosts of Earth.

Shameless Plug: Patient 6

This is the first of two films I got the pleasure of acting in this semester (Spring '10). I play a patient, Patient 6, who can remote view. That is, see things psychically that may be a very long ways away. Patient 6 has been seeing faces, and these faces in his viewing sessions keep coming up dead only 24 hours later. His doctor, Hellen Cabe (Andrea Robertson), is trying to get to the bottom of this. Written and Directed by Antonio Arbelaez, this is Patient 6.

Shameless Plug: A Liberation of Violence

So I can't say this without sounding super pretentious in my head but I'm an actor.  I love acting. If i could have one profession in the world it would be acting. Since that's unlikely, though, I just do it for fun. Living in Phoenix and going to PVCC has allowed me to do a couple acting projects for some student films. I'm pretty proud to be a part of these projects and since you're all my blollowers you should be proud to get to watch them. This first one I did last fall and was written and directed by Seth Coleman. It's called A Liberation of Justice.

Worst Trailers:" Just Wright"

This is the first original Worst Trailer's post on this blog which is ironic because it was the Worst Trailers facebook notes and people's positive reactions to them that inspired the blog in the first place. So this is a little like returning home for me. And what better to return home to than a Queen Latifa rom com. Before we even get into this, I'm going to guess the moral of the story; Girls! It's OK if you're plus sized! The super hot, super rich, man of your dreams will still choose you over that prissy hot chick. Now I'm not saying all of this is a bad message. I'm just saying we already learned it. In Shrek. Four times. Because those Dreamworks geniuses really know how to hammer home a point. Or maybe they just have no idea how to evolve a storyline. Yeah, that's it. Ten bucks says Kung Fu Panda 2 will still be about how Panda is fat and sloppy and hungry but because he's the chosen one he's the best. "Hey kids! Don't exercise! Just be the chosen one of something and your crusty old master will teach you the five point palm exploding heart technique!" It's just like Penelope, which was supposed to be a film about inner beauty and loving you for who you are and not what you look like. But notice James McAvoy couldn't kiss her without throwing up until after she got her pig nose removed or magicked off or whatever. Now I'm a firm believer in inner beauty. I think who you are is far more important than looks. I just hate the hypocrisy of Hollywood's view of inner beauty. Because you know that once someone finally finds their inner beauty and is okay with themselves, they immediately turn into a beauty (Beauty and the Beast, Beastly, The Princess and the Frog, Shrek 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, & 8, Penelope and every other freaking movie ever with an 'ugly' protagonist.) But  I'm a little off base here. As far as I know Queen Latifa unfortunately doesn't turn into Zoe Saldana at the end of this movie. Anyway, here's the trailer:



Starting out, Ms. Latifa goes on a date that didn't end so well. He just wanted to be friends. We are told that this is because she acted like herself around him. "You are not supposed to show him your regular self until you've been married for five years," says the only hot girl in the entire cast of Precious: Based on the Novel Push By Sapphire (worst ever title for any movie of all time ever by the way. And yes, I'm including Bangkok Dangerous in that.) I hate this idea of relationship by the way. This is why there are so many divorces because people are too scared and stupid to be themselves around their significant other. They lie for years and then when all the passion and sex fizzles out and they're left with this other person who they don't even know and realize they don't love anymore. You never loved them to begin with genius. You can't love someone you don't even know.  People are so stupid.

Next the Queen gets scolded for not dressing up like an expensive whore to go to a basketball game (she wears trendy jeans and a jersey.) It's a mark of how bad these film makers are that they have to make people act like absolute senseless caricatures just so they have a moral to drive home at the end of the movie. Also they don't think Queen has anything to offer anyone since the first encounter with hot, famous basketball player she has to help him open up the gas tank. Really? Because a grown man can't figure that out.

After that we get super movie plot download. Because apparently we need to know the entire movie by the end of the preview. The 'important' part is that super hot basketball player gets hurt (oooh! conflict) and Queen Latifa is the only physical therapist his expensive prostitute wife will trust with him (set up for possible romance!).  "You really think you can get me back [playin']?" he asks. "Yeah, but chu gonna hate me by the time I tru wit chu," she responds (future referencing irony!). *Cue inspirational black person music as the training montage begins.* Meanwhile, expensive whore wife leaves because he's not no playa' no mo' (setting the stage for the coup de Queen L!)

Inspirational montage continues as we see him worked back into shape and finally back into the game where he scores a super sweet shot. Cut to him and QL reliving the victory and fighting over cookies while seated at a piano (a piano?! wtf?! were they jammin' to some show tunes?) *Cue the wildly over dramatic romantic-look-into-my-eyes scene where we know somethin' hot is aboutst to go down. Then whore wife comes back (dun dun DUN!) She wants him back because she made a mistake (which is girl for 'you're famous again!') You know he'll go back to her just until right before the chick music starts playing and QL is about to board an airplane or something. Then they'll live happily ever after. (Sigh) Which of course you know they will. This is, after all, Queen Latifa's Kate Hudson movie.

Other small annoyances:

When the hot basketball player asks QL out for dinner, she tells the muli-million dollar basketball super star that his wallet better be full because she "... ain't one of those salad eatin' chicks." I GET IT! QUEEN LATIFA IS NOT A SIZE 0! But is that any reason to make her say things like she's the cookie monster or Jenna Maroney when she was fat?! "Me want food!" This movie is pure BS. It tries to say that just because she's not a anorexic beauty, she can still get the man, but it makes her say ridiculous crap like this all the time. Queen Latifa is a beautiful woman. Why do we constantly have to draw attention to the fact that she weighs more than 90 lbs? There's more to her than her weight. That's all I'm trying to say. I guess this was a big annoyance.

The hot basketball player is played by rapper Common. Appropriate names since common also describes his acting ability.

Last but not least, the title; Just Wright. I had a hunch about this, so I looked it up and I was right; QL's name in the movie is Leslie Wright. This means that the title of this film is a self referential pun. They must think they're so clever.

Tip of the Day(ish): Douche bags

It never ceases to amaze me the guys you girls go for sometimes. I know you all have this weird thing for bad boys (or emo ones if we want to Twilight-ize and modernize this a bit), but seriously what's that about? You go for this d-bag wearing a Coors T-shirt that doesn't even do a good enough job hiding the stomach hump caused by said beer. He, delusionally, not only thinks he's cool for being able to grow facial hair, but actually goes out of his way to shave it into a goatee.  He keeps a gun in his truck and you're somehow surprised when you find out he's an unintelligent mongoloid? All of this on top of the fact that he's obsurdly unattractive. C'MON GIRLS!! REALLY?! I mean it's a free country, but if you date this guy, and only then realize his family line should never be carried on you better not come crying to me with your sadness. Seriously. I'll lock you out in the rain if you have to. You've been warned. Never date these douchy guys.

And this has been your tip of the day.

Blogs and Kisses.

Lost Recap: "The Candidate"

Wow. Is anyone else out there in shock? Lost came back from it's week hiatus and blew our minds (and certain other precious cargo) to smithereens. This is what it has come to. These are the stakes.