Best Thing Ever...

So I know I haven't posted in way too long. I'll get to it i promise. But just to keep you guys tied over, I came across a pretty brilliant little video. Now just watch this over and over (trust me, you'll want to) until i post again. Peace.

Movie Review: "MacGruber"

I'll admit I had very low expectations walking into this movie. SNL hasn't been funny or made funny movies since I was in diapers (that was more recently than you'd expect). In fact Andy Samburg may top my list at the 'entertainer' I hate the most in the world. He's clearly an idiot and the people that think he's funny are what's killing the intelligence of our nation. I'm tempted to make another graph here about what's rotting American youth. Even previously funny SNL stars and writers have turned to movies like Land of the Lost and the worst of the worst, Step Brothers. I rant more about Step Brothers here. I'm not allowed to say anything else negative about it however so lets move on. 

Logically there is no reason to believe that a movie written by people from SNL, starring people from SNL, and directed by a writer of SNL would be anything better than the worst thing ever. So, I was pleasantly surprised when it wasn't the worst thing ever. It was, in fact, rather hysterical and so stupid it's almost brilliant. There is quite the fine line between satire and spoof: satire is Shaun of the Dead- smart, clever, and subtle while spoof is Scary Movie 4- loud, obvious, and making quite sure everyone including the dimmest of people get the jokes they're trying to make. I like satire. I think it's more what comedy should be. But some of the greatest comedy films in history are spoofs (namely Airplane! and Monty Python and the Holy Grail). Good spoofs these days, however are like unicorns. I'm here to say that Macgruber is a good spoof. Everything going on in it is incredibly ridiculous, yet it is performed with such sincerity. Characters in a comedy should never know they are in a comedy. That's the golden rule and Macgruber follows it. I enjoyed myself and laughed a lot. It wasn't a great movie, but it was a good ride.

B

Movie Review: "Shrek Forever After"

Oh the humanity! Why did we need another Shrek movie?! Quick answer: The last one made more than it cost. Who cares if they were stretching the story of one film over the span of four! As long as there's butts in the seats! It seems as if this is going to be last in this series. That's what they say at least, but they also said that about many other one-named sequel spawning monsters (Freddie, Jason, Jigsaw, Carrie [that's Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. Not Carrie from Carrie based on the novel Carrie by Stephen King {though that sported at least one unnecessary sequel and/or remake as well}]).  However we still have to suffer through this movie and as it so proudly boats, "It's not ogre till its ogre." Who wants to bet the tag-line for Shrek Five-Ever After will be, "It wasn't ogre."

Anyway this movie thinks up some other ridiculous obstacle to put in the way of our favorite two ogre's true happiness. This fumbling of originality is of course covered in a very pretty, fairy-tale-spoofing package. Like with any satirical series that goes on long after it runs out of gas, (Glee anyone?) it has become almost a mockery of itself. Proof of these "creative minds" (awkward, pubescent cousin to Criminal Minds on CBS) losing their touch is clearly evidenced by the plot: Mid-life crisis Shrek gets sucked into an alternate universe and has to re-woo Fiona before the sun comes up or he and his old life cease to exist. If you've resorted to other dimensions, you should probably just pack it in right now. The only story to ever make this sub plot OK was Power Rangers and that's only because all those other dimensions ever consisted of were huge battle rooms adorned with constant fake fog. Maybe, also, it's because I was a kid then, I didn't really understand what was going on, and I though 'alternate dimension' was that studio that made the Mortal Kombat movies (which were, coincidentally enough, often shot in battle rooms with constant fake fog.)

Anyway this is all because of a curse put on by Rumplestilskin who makes a deal with Shrek blah blah blah. I don't care. Neither should you. It's pointless really. It is a completely harmless film. OKish to take the kids too. It's not good Dreamworks like Panda or Dragon but it's not awful Dreamworks like Madagascar or Shark Tale. It falls somewhere in the middle. Its probably even better than the last Shrek film which was just a retread of the second one which was a fancy retread of the first one which was a decently clever retread of Beauty and the Beast. If you miss this you're not missing anything. If you see it you're not totally wasting two hours of your life.  I do want to point out one really ridiculous thing though. One thing that re-proves, even though they had a kinda decent year, that Dreamworks is still a one trick donkey:

Dreamworks face!

C

Soupy Twist

Movie Review: "Prince of Persia"

Called it! If you are a long time blollower or fan (which is basically all of you since I've been at this exactly 58 days) you know that in my wildly acclaimed post, Worst Trailers 2: The Squeakquel I said this: "...mark my words, it will be one of the worst films of [this] year." Consider them marked. Boo to the ya! If you're confused about what's happening here, you're not the only one, sometime my fingers work faster than my brain, but that's not the point!  The point is six months ago I said pretty much everything that needed to ever be said about this film right here. This movie is just a mish mash of crap they pulled from all the other successful movies of this genre and then peanut-butter-and-jellied together into one big old sticky mess. I'm not really going to elaborate on that much, just going to tell you a couple of thoughts I had while getting paid to watch this movie:

• They try to throw in this plot twist where he thinks his brother killed his father, but then it was really his uncle that killed his father. One problem- his uncle is played by Ben Kinglsey. How the f*** do you have an uncle who looks like somebody who might be played by Ben Kinglsey and not immediately know he's the bad guy. I live my life by this principle. Anyone who looks like they could be played by Ben Kinglsey in the eventual made for TV movie of my life, I immediately shun them.  I've never had to bring a mystical dagger of time to the secret guardian temple. Just saying. 
• Once we establish that Ben Kinglsey is actually the bad guy (surprise!) he goes back to a secret lair where he has a group of magic ninja's with grenades who can control the weather and speak parseltongue. Not kidding.
• During one of these some-kind-of-demon summoned sand storms Jake and Hot Princess who hate each other (of course) take refuge in a small tent that, when we see it from the outside, is essentially a blinket draped over some sticks. It looked like Eeyore's hovel. But that's not the point. The point is during the terrible sand storm Jake, Hot Princess, and half of their horse take refuge under it and it is there, for the first time, that their hands caress each others and they look deep into each others eyes. They don't kiss yet because they have to spend the whole rest of the movie looking deep into each others eyes. Too... much... sexual... tension... blaaaaaaa! 
• And just when you thought they couldn't cram one more little cliche in there up pops an end of the world sub plot. Geez. 
• One more thing, this movie is so unoriginal it couldn't even come up with its own score. It had to steal it. From the Mask of Zorro. You can't fool me Jake Gyllenhaal. I saw The Mask of Zorro three times in theaters. I know what the score sounds like!

All in all it was a waste of my time and if I wasn't getting paid for it, I would have started a facebook page, much in the vain of the one that got Betty White to host SNL, to assasinate Jake Gyllenhaal. He was really awful here. Like really awful. Like please remind me if you were ever good in anything awful. The director of this is Mike Newell who is the only man to take over a franchise from bad director Chris Columbus and actually make a worse film (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). This is even worse than that. 

D-


P.S. Have I plugged this link enough today? (That's what she said)


P.P.S. First person to catch the Community reference gets two free movie tickets.

Movie Review: "Iron Man 2"

Well this is it. What we've all been waiting for. Robert Downy Jr. sporting a red metal suit and a quippy attitude. Again. Unfortunately that's not what we got. What we got was a two hour and thirty minute long prequel to The Avengers- the horrible idea to join Iron Man, Nick Fury, The Hulk, Thor, Captain America and others all together for one big huge epic (fail of a) movie. There's no way The Avengers will be a good movie. With all those stars and all that story the only way it could be even decent is if it were over three hours long and lots of big name people died. That's the only way I'll be satisfied. I think Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) should get eaten by a genetically enhanced smart shark much earlier than expected and The Hulk (Edward Norton) should get curb stomped or curb stomp someone (listen I'll just be happy if someone gets curb stomped). But they won't do that. They can't put these characters in any actual danger because then how will they make The Avengers 2 and Superfriends Vs. The Avengers! It's all a huge gimmick and I hate gimmicks. 

I focus so much time on The Avengers, because that's what this movie wants. It doesn't want us to see a good Iron Man flick (It doesn't show us one). It wants us to see how sweet The Avengers is going to be! Look at everything from the (un) cleverly hidden Captain America shield that turns up in the film to the last seconds of the movie (after the credits) when they set up next summers Avenger's prequel Thor. But if I must say things about this movie then it was your typical sequel- bigger, louder, faster, stronger, and a much, much worse film. Now, lets clear something up: The first Iron Man wasn't nearly as good as people thought it was. They were just confused by Robert Downy Jr.'s comedic timing and facial hair. He's great in both these films and he's really the only reason to see them. Ask anyone who loves the first one why they loved it. "Robert Downy Jr. is awesome!" Ask them what else. "Uhh... explosions?" And those are just the articulate ones. Now Iron Man isn't a bad film by any means. It ranks somewhere between Spider-Man and X2 on the good comic book films list (that's about 4-5 notches from the top if you're wondering), but it's more of a cultural phenomenon like Napoleon Dynamite than it is a great comic book movie like Batman Beings. 

This one had even less going for it since we saw inside their bag of tricks with the first one. They try to insert conflict with Tony Stark slowly dying. Know how I know they ran out of cool ideas? He had to f***ing create a new element to survive. And he does. Over a weekend. Ridiculous. Also they gave Pepper Potts something cool to do in running Stark Industries only to have it yanked out from her by the end of the film because she wants to jump in bed with Tony. Take it from The Office- once the 'will they won't they' sexual tension becomes the "they did" sexual confusion, your series is over. That's how I feel about these movies. They had a great start, but didn't prepare enough pre race and now they're just panting into the finish line. Oh well at least when (not if) they make more, we'll still get to watch RDJ be smart and quippy (until after the third film when they reboot the series with Jake Gyllenhaal.)

C+

Movie Review: "The Joneses"

I'm real behind on my film reviews so lets start here with The Joneses starring a post-X-Files David Duchovney and a mid-Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore. This is a film that actually has a pretty clever premise. Its about a group of people posing as a family who work for a company that sets them up with all the latest and greatest of their sponsor's merchandise and the family attempts to sell it. They pose as the perfect family with all the latest toys and make their neighbors all go out and buy those toys too. Essentially they're walking, talking commercials except the people don't know they're being sold anything. They just buy it because they want to keep up the with the Joneses (Hey! I wonder if that's where they got the name!) It's a pretty cool idea for a movie and that pretty cool idea plays out for about three quarters of the film. Then it descends from "an excellent zeitgeist film" (raves Richard Corliss of TIME magazine) into "the most cliche ending ever thereby ruining the entire hour and a half of film proceeding it and forcing me to release my bowels in the theater in a fit of annoyance" (shouts Radcliff Misseri of Misseri Loves Company).

This movie had a really good thing going- a clever idea, good actors, pretty houses etc.- but then it ruined it all. How? It lost its balls and got a conscious. First thing that it got wrong: We had to see how, by them being good salesmen, they were effectively ruining the lives of everyone around them because everyone around them was forced to buy everything they were selling causing them to go in debt.  This was, of course, The Joneses fault and not the neighbors who were too proud and idiotic to just not buy something they couldn't afford. No, we had to see David Duchovney make that regret face he made everything he didn't ask an alien if the truth was really out there (Spoiler: it's not. I just saved you nine seasons of TV). He had to make the obligatory speech about how he was wrong and he's sorry and blah blah blah (insert moral here). Shameful. Second thing it got wrong: It of course forced a love story where they, through all they've been through being the evil selling people, forsake their great jobs and lives and run off in the sunset together. Third thing it got wrong: The kids in the family, instead of acting like grown professionals who chose this profession and make bank doing it, they act like real messed up kids who hate their lives. Why? This is never explained. I guess it's supposed to be a metaphor for a real family (thats thing it got wrong 3.5). Fourth thing it got wrong: A middle aged man in wet tighty whities. Invest in some boxers man, you spent like eighty grand keeping up with the Joneses. A pack is only like six bucks.  Over all it's a rather clunker of a movie. If they had kept to their premise and not had to feel remorse and regret for doing their job like idiots a much better movie could have come out of this. Oh well. I'm sure they'll remake it in like six months.

C