Movie Review: "The Joneses"

I'm real behind on my film reviews so lets start here with The Joneses starring a post-X-Files David Duchovney and a mid-Ashton Kutcher Demi Moore. This is a film that actually has a pretty clever premise. Its about a group of people posing as a family who work for a company that sets them up with all the latest and greatest of their sponsor's merchandise and the family attempts to sell it. They pose as the perfect family with all the latest toys and make their neighbors all go out and buy those toys too. Essentially they're walking, talking commercials except the people don't know they're being sold anything. They just buy it because they want to keep up the with the Joneses (Hey! I wonder if that's where they got the name!) It's a pretty cool idea for a movie and that pretty cool idea plays out for about three quarters of the film. Then it descends from "an excellent zeitgeist film" (raves Richard Corliss of TIME magazine) into "the most cliche ending ever thereby ruining the entire hour and a half of film proceeding it and forcing me to release my bowels in the theater in a fit of annoyance" (shouts Radcliff Misseri of Misseri Loves Company).

This movie had a really good thing going- a clever idea, good actors, pretty houses etc.- but then it ruined it all. How? It lost its balls and got a conscious. First thing that it got wrong: We had to see how, by them being good salesmen, they were effectively ruining the lives of everyone around them because everyone around them was forced to buy everything they were selling causing them to go in debt.  This was, of course, The Joneses fault and not the neighbors who were too proud and idiotic to just not buy something they couldn't afford. No, we had to see David Duchovney make that regret face he made everything he didn't ask an alien if the truth was really out there (Spoiler: it's not. I just saved you nine seasons of TV). He had to make the obligatory speech about how he was wrong and he's sorry and blah blah blah (insert moral here). Shameful. Second thing it got wrong: It of course forced a love story where they, through all they've been through being the evil selling people, forsake their great jobs and lives and run off in the sunset together. Third thing it got wrong: The kids in the family, instead of acting like grown professionals who chose this profession and make bank doing it, they act like real messed up kids who hate their lives. Why? This is never explained. I guess it's supposed to be a metaphor for a real family (thats thing it got wrong 3.5). Fourth thing it got wrong: A middle aged man in wet tighty whities. Invest in some boxers man, you spent like eighty grand keeping up with the Joneses. A pack is only like six bucks.  Over all it's a rather clunker of a movie. If they had kept to their premise and not had to feel remorse and regret for doing their job like idiots a much better movie could have come out of this. Oh well. I'm sure they'll remake it in like six months.

C