Movie Review: "Prince of Persia"

Called it! If you are a long time blollower or fan (which is basically all of you since I've been at this exactly 58 days) you know that in my wildly acclaimed post, Worst Trailers 2: The Squeakquel I said this: "...mark my words, it will be one of the worst films of [this] year." Consider them marked. Boo to the ya! If you're confused about what's happening here, you're not the only one, sometime my fingers work faster than my brain, but that's not the point!  The point is six months ago I said pretty much everything that needed to ever be said about this film right here. This movie is just a mish mash of crap they pulled from all the other successful movies of this genre and then peanut-butter-and-jellied together into one big old sticky mess. I'm not really going to elaborate on that much, just going to tell you a couple of thoughts I had while getting paid to watch this movie:

• They try to throw in this plot twist where he thinks his brother killed his father, but then it was really his uncle that killed his father. One problem- his uncle is played by Ben Kinglsey. How the f*** do you have an uncle who looks like somebody who might be played by Ben Kinglsey and not immediately know he's the bad guy. I live my life by this principle. Anyone who looks like they could be played by Ben Kinglsey in the eventual made for TV movie of my life, I immediately shun them.  I've never had to bring a mystical dagger of time to the secret guardian temple. Just saying. 
• Once we establish that Ben Kinglsey is actually the bad guy (surprise!) he goes back to a secret lair where he has a group of magic ninja's with grenades who can control the weather and speak parseltongue. Not kidding.
• During one of these some-kind-of-demon summoned sand storms Jake and Hot Princess who hate each other (of course) take refuge in a small tent that, when we see it from the outside, is essentially a blinket draped over some sticks. It looked like Eeyore's hovel. But that's not the point. The point is during the terrible sand storm Jake, Hot Princess, and half of their horse take refuge under it and it is there, for the first time, that their hands caress each others and they look deep into each others eyes. They don't kiss yet because they have to spend the whole rest of the movie looking deep into each others eyes. Too... much... sexual... tension... blaaaaaaa! 
• And just when you thought they couldn't cram one more little cliche in there up pops an end of the world sub plot. Geez. 
• One more thing, this movie is so unoriginal it couldn't even come up with its own score. It had to steal it. From the Mask of Zorro. You can't fool me Jake Gyllenhaal. I saw The Mask of Zorro three times in theaters. I know what the score sounds like!

All in all it was a waste of my time and if I wasn't getting paid for it, I would have started a facebook page, much in the vain of the one that got Betty White to host SNL, to assasinate Jake Gyllenhaal. He was really awful here. Like really awful. Like please remind me if you were ever good in anything awful. The director of this is Mike Newell who is the only man to take over a franchise from bad director Chris Columbus and actually make a worse film (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire). This is even worse than that. 

D-


P.S. Have I plugged this link enough today? (That's what she said)


P.P.S. First person to catch the Community reference gets two free movie tickets.