Worst Trailers 2: The Squeakquel!

This is the last repost. Everything from here on out will be completely new and original. Enjoy compadres!

So I hadn't imagined this to be a running column or anything. I wrote the first one to vent. However since so many people enjoyed it, and since I so enjoyed writing it, and since since then I've noticed so many terrible trailers going unpunished I've decided to write another. I have been planning this one for a while and many trailers have at one time inhabited this list. The terribly unoriginal Did You Hear About the Morgans was #6 on the last list and pretty close to making this one. Though, since I procrastinate worse than a fat eighth grade boy in PE, that movie already came out before I got around to writing this. There were some horrendous trailers to some pretty decent movies mostly involving those terribly cliched trailer man voice overs. You know the type. The ones that are so blatantly obvious about the plot you'd think you were watching a foreign film. Man: Hi I'm Robert DeNiro. I'm going on a road trip to see my kids." Narrator: "Robert is a old man, going on a road trip to see his kids. But he meets... unexpected things on the way. Sometimes when you're going on a journey, you have to pack... some luggage." (That was supposed to be read in that deep over dramatic trailer man voice). See Everybody's Fine or the second trailer for Brothers to witness this at its worst. The Kristen Bell vehicle, When in Rome also deserves a mention. I'd say that's the #6 honorary loser on this list. But the five I did settle on, I'm pretty happy with.

#5 Death at a Funeral

Now you may be watching this trailer and think, "Hey I don't know what that old, cynical Radcliff is talking about. This trailer is really funny! It's clever and original." If you're thinking that raise your hand right now. No, i don't care that I can't see you. Raise it! Ok to all of you who are raising your hand, you're an ignorant slut. Sorry it's true. Want to know why? Because this movie isn't clever or original. This movie is actually a remake. And I'm not talking about a remake of a 100 year old Japanese film with subtitles at a samurai funeral or something. No, I'm talking about a film from England. In English. By the exact same title. From 2007. All you math whizzes out there will be scratching your head saying, "But Radcliff, wasn't that just three years ago?" YES IT WAS JUST THREE BLOODY YEARS AGO AND THAT DEATH AT THE FUNERAL ISN'T EVEN COLD YET!!!!! That's why I'm so pissed that this movie exists. They grave robbed a very funny British film and instead of having respect for the humor of it, and trying to bring it to a wider audience so more Americans could appreciate it, they decided instead to completely steal absolutely everything from that film and remake it. They did change one thing. Instead of English, lots of this one is in Ebonics. Despite that, everything in this trailer is nearly word for word from the original. Except less funny. Because no one speaking any of the lines is British. And I really really really really hope that no one reading this thinks that Martin Lawrence 's humor is funnier than British humor. Here just take a look at the trailer for the original:



See. Much funnier. Much dryer. Much better. It pains me to think the amount of Americans who will watch this and think that Chris Rock (Pootie Tang) Martin Lawrence (Big Mama's House 2) or Danny Glover (Saw) are funny again. Like they wrote/chose a good script. No the fucking didn't! They stole a great script and ruined it by being a part of it. Things that further annoy me about this movie: 1. Zoe Saldana is in it. She has had a GREAT year between Avatar and Star Trek and I really like her. Though honestly I think she may have the funniest delivery in the whole thing. 2. Tracy Morgan. Now I'm a big fan of 30 Rock and I'm even a fan of him in 30 Rock but that's because he's playing an illiterate moron. It suits him. To see him in this trying to use adult words like "uncle", "dead fish", and "coffin" is painful. 3. Martin Lawrence lustily telling Chris Rock that it's ok if that hot chick is in 12th grade because she has a very nice behind. Daaaaaaaaaamn. (That was mean to be read in Ebonics.) So classy. 4. Peter Dinklage playing the same part in both films. What?! Why would he agree to star in the remake of a perfectly fine film that he played in two years earlier? Paycheck maybe? 5. James Marsden playing the white drugged out naked guy. Ok actually this is one bright spot. He looks pretty funny. But he's nothing compared to the comic genius that the terrific Alan Tudyk is in the first. Sorry Cyclops, you missed the boat. Anyway I hope you all skip this winner for most unnecessary remake of all time. The new remake of the terrific Swedish vampire film, Let the Right One In, called Let Me In comes close to taking said prize but at least the original for that one is in another language and the remake is starring some very good actors. What excuse does this crap heap have? Nothing! Rent the original.

#4 The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

I thought about starting this one by naming all the successful, well made video game adaptations. Until I realized there are none. I mean you have crap like Resident Evil 2, House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark in this category. And these are the "good" ones. (Shudder). So its safe to say that no matter how bad this movie is, it'll still be better than most of the rest. That doesn't, however, stop it from being one of the worst trailers out there now and, mark my words, it will be one of the worst films of next year. This is what the production meeting sounded like I think.

Disney boss man: We need another Pirates of the Caribbean. A rip roaring, fun, slightly supernatural family adventure. What have you got?

Other guy who has a 13 year old boy: My son likes this game about this Arab guy who can like defy gravity and turn back time and stuff.

Disney bm: Brilliant! Who should we get to play him? Anyone you know look Arab?

Third guy: That gay cowboy is pretty popular. (shocked looks) No! (chuckling) not the dead one! (Relieved chuckles all around)

Disney bm: (wiping his eyes from the chuckling) Alright. Slap a tan on Donnie and get him ready to go. Somebody... you, glasses, you look smart. Write a screenplay. Alright! Good work everybody, lets get drunk.

The result is this travesty posing as entertainment. I love how they tried to be all clever and coy with the dialogue between bad accented and super tanned Jake and weird accented princess girl. I will count down the worst lines in the trailer.

4. The whole entire freaking opening monologue by weird accented princess girl talking all mystically about some dagger which culminates in her saying, "The only way to stop this Armageddon is to take the dagger to the secret guardian temple." She then makes her point by saying with the next breath, "We must take it there!" Wow good stuff. I love that the official title for the place that they need to hide the sacred artifact that will destroy man kind if it fall into the wrong hands is The Secret Guardian Temple. If I were a bad guy, i think that's the first place I would raid. Just personally speaking. I also HATE when movies take place in other times and countries before English was even a language and still have everyone speaking English but think if they throw on some phony accents we'll forget everything we ever learned in world history class. Like Valkyrie for instance. That was a decent movie but lets just face it, having Tom Cruise play a one eyed German is kinda like getting Cameron Diaz to star in a biopic about Tokyo Rose. I know they do this to make it more commercial so fat rednecks won't have to read the movie between between shovelfuls of over buttered popcorn but it still annoys the hell out of me. Sorry for not being an idiot. I also like that they used the word Armageddon here. Pretty sure that word is from the ancient Greek language and was first used in the book or Revelation. This wouldn't be know by these Persians since the "Persian Empire" collapsed 400 years before the New Testament was even written. I know! I know! I'm being to harsh on glasses guy. He shouldn't have to do his homework AND think of all the clever dialog we're about to hear come out of these characters mouths.

3. Tanned Jake: Oh you really enjoy telling me what to do don't you?
Princess: Only because you're so good at following orders.
Tanned Jake: Don't press your luck.

What does this even mean?!?!?! Its like they were trying to be suggestively flirty but had no idea what they were suggesting. It's like when someone makes an idiotic "That's what she said" joke. You know who I'm talking about. Those people who aren't funny, but try to be by saying "That's what she said" after everything you say. And just to humor them and try to make the joke work, you have to stretch your logic so far it's almost to the breaking point. Such as:

"Toss me that ball."
"That's what she said!"
"???"

This is what that feels like. I know that Glasses has probably never had a girlfriend and probably never even flirted with anyone successfully in his life so how could he know what it looks like but stilll! Moving on.

2. Princess: Where's the dagger?
Tanned Jake: You're welcome to search me for it.... You'd have to be very thorough.

Again, WHAT?!?!?!? Where is he hiding it that she'd have to be super thorough to find it? Lady, check his sheath for the dagger! That's what she said. Seriously though I can not wrap my mind around this. Maybe I'm ignorant or maybe I don't get nonsensical flirting. Or maybe I'm irritated by how witless this whole exchange is. I don't know, but it's stupid.

1. Princess: Such a noble prince, leaping to assist the fallen beauty.
Tanned Jake: Who said you were a beauty.
Princess: There must a reason you can't take your eyes off me.
(Pause)
Tanned Jake: Inane mumbling.

Wow. Do i even need to walk you through how terrible this is? I hope not because I don't feel like I can stoop that low right now. But it's bad. Like, the worst thing I've ever heard bad. I love that she calls herself a beauty straight up, THEN he denies it! She responds by pointing out that he can't stop staring at her. What charmers these pair. Is there anyone that actually finds this interchange funny? I think that's how they mean it, comic relief but it's the opposite of relief to me. It gives me gas.

The rest of the trailer is a hodgepodge of crazy epic actiony things with bad enough graphics to make Tanned Jake actually look like he's in the Prince of Persia video game. Please don't want this movie. Please. Because if you do, they will make more.

#3 From Paris With Love

First of all who ever thought it would be a good idea to cast John Travolta as a bad ass, trigger happy, slightly crazy hit man? Second of all who heard that idea and then convinced others that he should do all of that while being bald and having a goatee? By the way, nice ear rings, bad ass hit man. Travolta made number one on my last list so I'm being kind to him here but really?!?!?! So we meet Jonathan Rhys-Meyers striving for a new career low. He is a driver and they want him to drive for aforementioned crazy J Trav. He's not special ops certified, but in movie world what does that matter? All he's doing is driving him around! But if you know anything about bad writing, you know that that's not all he going to be doing. The trailer pulls no punches with this by showing us Travolta with a rocket launcher hanging out the window telling him to get closer. Yeah Baldvolta, you're in a car chase going close to the triple digits in speed and you're aiming problem with that rocket launcher is because he's not close enough. Rhys-Meyers is told that if he can handle this, he can "consider yourself a member of the club." Good. Now that "character" has "motivation". Didn't know special ops certification was a club though. Do you guys smoke cigars in dinner jackets? Or is it more like 4H? Something else the trailer pulls no punches on? Trying to make it look like this movie will have any plot. It just jumps straight into a chase scene. No set up. Just running. I like its candor. Then they start car chase scene. But WAIT!!!!! "My prints are all over that car!" R-M says, struggling WAY too hard to do a convincing American accent. R-M wants to go back and do the logical this by wiping away the incriminating evidence. But Baldvolta won't have any of this! After quickly summing up what "my prints are all over that car" means in context he puts the car in reverse, crashes it and causes the car with the prints to promptly explode. Naturally! "Work for ya?!" he says essentially winking at the camera.

The next few bits are my favorite. "From the director of Taken." I'm sorry, have I been asleep? Is that something to brag about? "And the producer of The Transporter!" Ok now I'm being punk'd right? That's like making a Wolfman trailer and proudly declaring "From the guy who brought you Jurassic Park 3!" THOSE MOVIES ARE NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT! Ugh. The next scene is also great. Really classy. Baldvolta and R-M sit down in a Chinese restaurant. Someone says some drivel about Baldy's methods not being regulation which leads into him telling the Chinese waiter that he wants to order off the menu. This is apparently some kind of code or something because everyone starts shooting at them. This continues for a while until R-M asks amid bullet riddled Chinese rubble "How many do you think there are?" "My senses," Baldvolta replies, "about a billion." Oooo clever. Then Baldvolta beats up a gang, more cars explode, stuff gets shot, people unnecessarily make out while stripping clothes off each other, and cars chase... other cars I guess. Basically formula of an action movie. The tag line for this film is: Two Agents. One City. No Merci. They thought they were being clever by making a play on the word Mercy. However they must have ate a lot of paint chips when they were a kid because roughly translated that comes out to: Two Agents. One City. No Thank You. Which is kind of how I feel about this movie as a whole. No Thank You.

#2 The Tooth Fairy*

Ok this was a really hard decision as to which trailer to place at number one. Both of the final two trailers are so terrible you wonder how the people who made them can sleep at night. Is everyone in this really that terminally mentally retarded or just so desperate that they will sell their dignity for a very low price. I mean, lets face it, none of us ever expected much out of The Rock. I would like to take this opportunity to nominate him as the worst actor of all time. But what about Ashley Judd, Julie Andrews, Billy Crystal, and Steven Merchant. They are all very talented in their own respect. I think someone must have kidnapped their children, or small pets. Something to logically explain their involvement in something so wholly wretched. And don't give me the "Its for their kids" argument. If you read my last post, you know how I feel about us making things idiotic for children. It's my biggest pet peeve. Its like we have no faith in them what so ever. That's kind of the thing these days with kids though isn't it? "No honey, you don't have to read a book or anything complicated like that. Just play your video games and don't bother mommy while she's sexting." Well I'm making a stand against this crap. I will NEVER let my kids watch something so void of intelligence, talent, or humor. "It's different when you have kids," some may argue. No it's not. I don't care. I would sooner take my (theoretical) 7 year old son to Inglourious Basterds. Why? Because Quentin Tarantino is not an idiot. But that's exactly what all the parents who pay for their kids to watch this chont are. I don't feel the need to fully dissect this trailer and point out what's so horrible about it. It does a good enough job of that on its own. I'll hit some highlights though.

-I like that the whole message of this film is: "Lie to your kids. Let them believe whatever they want, no matter how irrational, and crucify anyone who gets in your way of doing this." Think about it. The Rock tells the scrawny kid he's probably never going to be a professional Hockey Player. The parents get pissed about this but let me just say something, he's probably not. Then he tries to tell Ashley Judd's kid that there is no tooth fairy. She gets pissed about this. Let me tell you something else and this one may be hard to hear... THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY!!!!!!!!! The Rock was being honest. The rest of the film is him getting punished for that. Never tell your kids the truth. Never be honest with them. Now I'm not saying be an over realist like that kid in Miracle on 34th St. because we all know how that turns out. Tooth Fair is one thing but no one fucks with Santa. I'm also not saying not to teach your kids those holiday fables, but do we really need another film about an unbeliever who gets punished for unbelieving by having to become the thing he/she/it unbelieved in? If I had know this was coming out I would have skipped Santa Clause 3.

- The Rock gets a glowing summons under his pillow and is told that he is guilty of "Killing Dreams". Then he sprouts wings that look like they were designed by a 5 year old Martha Stewart with no artistic talent. The look on The Rocks face is priceless. Worst. Acting. Ever.

- The Rock is in flying school and gets hit in the testis by the tennis balls that black assistant fairy throws at him.

- The Rock decked out in his Goalie Tooth Fairy outfit saying with apparent pride "I'm the Tooth Fairy. Oh yeah!" Then he jumps off a balcony and screams like a girl and falls like a rock. (Mind the pun) Then it cuts to him with a dog hanging off his wing.

I also really like that everything I've noted that's wrong with this movie starts with 'The Rock'. The amnesia dust interchange is absolutely, maddeningly bad and kind of drives home every point I made in this article. Don't watch this. I'm warning you.

#1 The Spy Next Door*

< Ok here's my number one. Watch the trailer. It's atrociously bad. Also, if you'll notice, trailer voice over man is back making a terrible trailer into what truly is The Worst Trailer. Old Jackie Chan answers the phone "This is Bob Ho" and immediately annoying narrator guy says "Secret Agent Bob Ho has... blah blah blah." During this it shows secret agent bob ho blah blah blahing. Who thought this was a good idea? Was this trailer made for blind people?! (No offense to blind people... actually offense to blind people. They can't read this anyway.) Why do they feel the need to narrate EVERYTHING that's happening while it's happening? It's absurdly annoying. And Bob Ho? Really? It's like they took the idea from Shanghai Noon about Jackie Chan's Chinese name sounding like a famous person, in that case Chon Wang, and made it totally unfunny and pointless. The narrator continues and after some crap about how he's an international spy and super and stuff and finishes by saying very ominously, "...but he's about to face is toughest assignment yet..." Then it cuts to him in the car with a bunch of bratty kids arguing. Awesome. So this is The Pacifier, only somehow worse. No, I didn't think it could be done either but here we are. The annoying boy kid makes some smart remark about how he'd rather be in juvenile hall or foster care than be babysat by Jackie Chan. I would have punched him in the face right there. Shown him who's boss, but i guess Jackie doesn't have experience with kids yet. Then there is a montage of Jackie doing stupid stuff while trying to cook. What the hell international spy can't cook oatmeal or doesn't know that metal coming out of the oven is too hot to touch. What were these people thinking?! Oh right. They weren't. This leads to the narrator informing us unnecessarily that "He's deep undercover." Then it cuts to Jackie with his gangsta hands starts saying "It's rad, it's awesome." OH HELL NAW!!!!! He did NOT just use my name in vain. Not going to lie, that's one of the main reasons along with the terrible narration that led me to put this in the number one spot. Moving on Billy Ray Cyrus shows up to tell Jackie that "Spying is easy, babysitting is hard." Yeah that's why 12 year old girls do one and highly trained special operatives do the other. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I know why they put it in here. In a world for any of this pathetic excuse for a story to work, that sentence would have to be absolute truth. And I will say this. I had some Team Leader shifts where I felt I wasn't so much Team Leading as I was Team Babysitting. Babysitting is hard. But that's not the point right now. The next montage is Jackie, using his high tech spying equipment to succeed at babysitting. A little snaky wire comes out of a pen, grabs a little girl, lifts her off the ground and carries her back to Jackie. What did this little wire grab onto? Her skin? Looks like it. One more thing that was thoroughly thought through. He cooks breakfast with a flame thrower, because that's easier for a spy than using an oven or a frying pan. Things get even worse when they try to involve a plot. Some crap about oil reserves and the narrator telling us things are "getting complicated." Shut up. A teenage boy attacks them with a knife at an Asian restaurant. (Geez what is it with terrible films and Asian restaurant battles tonight?!) Of course at some point during this movie and trailer the 6 year old child helps the international spy fight off dangerous and evil cronies bent on all their destruction. The mom tells the stupid emo daughter "I don't want you playing with fire" right before the stupid emo daughter makes a 9 foot flame in the house to kill a man. This is apparently acceptable to the mom (modern parents are awesome) because she says "Well maybe just this once." Then the three year old shoots a weapon at the huge bald hit man (not Baldvolta, but probably a friend) that is powerful enough to make him fly through the air and crash through a wall. Does anyone else see anything wrong and slightly disturbing about that? Then the little girl who is basically there to be "cute" says in a very "cute" naive way, "Mommy, that man can fly." Stupid. Not cute. Sorry. More crap happens and we get to our stars. Jackie Chan. Sure, though this movie makes me want to forget that he was ever a star. I like that Amber Valletta is listed next as if anyone knows who she is or even cares that she exists. Then you have Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez. I will admit, I'm not really surprised either of those two are in this because this is pretty much a step up for both of their careers. The trailer ends with one of the stupidest things ever. The little three year old girl is strong enough to keep International Super spy Jackie Chan from putting a nighty on her. What does he do to this? Throw her thirty feet in the air and catch her in the nighty with all her extremities in the right holes. Wow. 'Can your Mommy do that?" he asks. What, toss their child into the air to a dangerous height and barely catch them? Best. Baby Sitter. Ever. That little girls face annoys me so bad too because it's almost worst acting that The Rock. I'm going to break this down for you, this is what happened. That little girl was such a bad actress she was incapable of making a surprised face. After many takes and many annoyed crew members at her inability the director opened his mouth to an o shape and said, "Do this and shake your head." Its one of the most forced, stupid looking things on all of these trailers and that's saying something. Now I know some of you are like, "She's just a kid! Cut her some slack!" No! Because she's in a movie and I know I'm old fashioned and everything but if you're in a movie, I believe you should be able to act. I know, I know this rule doesn't apply anymore what with Dane Cook and T Pain stinking up screens but I guess I'm just a purist. Actors should be able to act. Even children ones. Well I hope you enjoyed this and have added many new movies to the "Do not see under any circumstances" list. I know I'm more of a jerk this time. You can tell me that all you want, but I'll probably just delete it because I don't care and it's taking up comment space. Love, Rad *I know these movies already came out but they suck so bad i had to keep them in here.