Worst Trailers: "Tangled"

I know I have many friends and blollowers that will crucify me for this because they're too blinded by the fact that Disney is making another princess movie to realize that this one is going to be absolute shite. I'm really getting tired of computer animation too. Disney, just stick to what you do best somewhat decently: Make hand drawn animated films that make all girls think that someday their prince will come, and he'll be all square jawed and heroic. (Thanks a lot for that by the way. Bastards.) Don't try to be Pixar and make great computer animated films because you'll come off looking like you don't know what you're doing. Or even worse, you'll come off looking like Dreamworks. In fact I know the woman who was the Director of Photography on Toy Story 3 and she scoffed at how bad this movie looked. Now we may not see just exactly how crappy the lighting is in this film because we don't have the trained eye of a professional. She does. And she claims it sucks. I'm going to take her word for it. So now that we know the design blows, onto the story.



A cocky thief is super bad ass and evades capture all the time. We pause for a 'joke' about how the wanted posters of him aren't accurate because they keep mis-drawing his nose. I'm sorry, but I was a kid once and I still don't think I would have ever found that funny, clever, or necessary. But that was such a highlight of this film that they put it in the trailer. It can only go down from here. And down it goes. Annoying thief takes refuge in this giant tower in the middle of nowhere. Why? Because if you're running through the forest from the law the last place they'd look is the one civilized thing for miles around. It doesn't stick out like a ruggedly beautiful sore thumb at all. But we, of course, can't apply logic to this because the people behind this movie obviously weren't expecting the audience to think. They just need to mindlessly believe anything that happens so they can 'further' the 'plot'.

The next sequence is all about thief being attacked by some mysterious unseen force. We come to find out its this chicks hair. Now, I can't control my hair. I can't make it move or pick things up or throw cocky asses out a window to scare them. My hair isn't that long, but I have had it a lot longer than it is now and it still didn't have any super powers, except the power to make women swoon. So where do they get off giving this this princess the powers of Dr. Octopus? I think they realize the only way to make a princess movie remotely interesting or new they have to spice things up a bit and since not making a princess movie is clearly not an option they go this route instead. The rest of this trailer is a nonsensical montage that I don't even feel like dissecting, but here some lowlights:

• The titles on the screen. "He's seen everything." "She's be grounded like... FOREVER." Clearly they are trying to either emulate or appeal to teenage girls. Don't they realize that if they're stooping to the intellectual level of teenage girls, that there is literally no lower place to go on the intelligence scale. Babies are smarter than teenage girls because babies aren't influenced by a cocktail of horrible hormones and Gossip Girls. 
• The thief starts to say the classic Rapunzel line, "Let down your beautiful hair." But before he can finish, she does and it crushes him under its weight. This, again, is a comedy highlight of the movie. Then the horse starts laughing. Shut up. Seriously. I hate horses enough as it is.
• The fact that half the trailer is scored by Pink's Trouble. Aside from being a horribly annoying song it makes no sense. "I'm trouble. Yeah trouble now. I'm trouble ya'll. Trouble in my town." WHAT?! First of all it doesn't fit with anything that going on. Second, who's trouble?! Is in the thief? Well it's playing while he's getting beaten up, so apparently he's not very trouble at all. Is it the girl? The 90 lb soaking wet girl who can use her hair as tentacles to lift hundreds of pounds? I don't think she would enjoy being referred to as trouble. Is it that lizard who clearly has some kind of gay, ear-licking obsession with the thief? Well if I call him trouble now, I'll just come off homophobic so we'll go with no. Is it the horse? Clearly not. But he's going to be in trouble if I find the number to that glue factory my second cousin works at. So just to clear up, the only reason for this horrible song to be in this horrible trailer is so the horrible movie can seem pop culture-y and current. Except that song came out in 2003. Epic Fail. 

Overall this looks like its going to be quite the blotch on Disney's record. And I don't care how you Disney whores try to convince me, I'm not going to change my mind. But once you see it, you'll be likely to change yours... 

Soupy twist.