Tip of the Day(ish): Fried fish

I've decided to start a tip of the day column. Why? This is my blog, I don't have to answer that. These tips should be very helpful with your every day lives so pay attention!

Now I may not get to these every day, hence the 'ish' in the title but I will share these, what here-forever-after will be know as, Wisdom Nuggets © as the come to me.

All You Can Eat Fish Fry

I think, as a rule of thumb, never dine in an all you can eat fish fry that advertises said fry on a worn down sign with fluorescent chalk writing. If they can't treat wood correctly, how do you think they treat your fish (or their deep fryers?) These signs only sit outside two different places: a legit and delicious authentic ethnic place with a jovial English-challenged family behind the frier; or an salmonella cesspool ran by an white, overweight, single man named Bodean with a stained wife-beater who's on welfare and just uses the store as a front to steal people's credit card numbers to pay for his crocodile skin seat covers. These are the only two options. And you really never can tell which once you've walked into until its too late. Plus with Arizona's new immigrant law of being able to question/deport suspected illegal aliens with no warrant, and the police's fondness for eating a lot of fish in one sitting (second only to donuts) the good kind of shop will be extinct faster than Justin Guarini's acting career. So folks, don't chance it. Don't eat at these fish fries.

And that's your tip for the day.

The Movie Trailer for Every Oscar Nominated Film Ever

Many of you have seen this video when I forced it down your throats on facebook, but it's too good not to post on here. This comes from the incredible guys at BriTANick. They will likely be a recurring theme on this blog because they're brilliant and funny in a way I could only dream of. Therefore, I have to share them with everyone I know to give them the respect they deserve. Enjoy. I know I will.

Worst Posters: Ramona and Beezus

So this is a new off-shoot of my worst trailers posts (which there will be more of to come when I get up the energy to actually write them). This is much easier however because it just has to analyze and mercilessly criticize one thing (a poster) as to many things (nearly every second in the atrocious trailers so-called professionals put out.)  So on to the first specimen:

First of all, I hate stupid movies. I really do. This is obviously one of them. Now, I have never seen a trailer for this film and have no idea what it is about. But I'm going to tell you what it's about right now based purely on this poster. Selena Gomez is a snooty Miley Cyrus/Bella Swan-esque angsty teen. She either has or acquires an originally annoying (possibly mentally handicapped) little sister whom through some contrived random events she has to take care of for an indeterminate period of time. Initially, in all her selfish teen ways, she hates every second of it especially the little sister herself. Then things get semi-serious for one or more of the characters and little sister turns out to be loving and wise beyond her years and helps heal Selena's bitter heart. In the end Selena is a, forever changed, happy teen who loves her sister, respects her parents, and does good in school.

Now, I'm willing to admit that i could be totally wrong here. What if am? Shut up. I don't care. If that's not the plot of this movie it will be the plot of the sequel/rip off/remake likely coming next year.

So, you stubborns out there may be mentally pointing out and criticizing that I haven't said anything bad about the poster in question, just what I think the movie may be about. Be patient. I'm getting to that.

First of all what the hell kind of a title is Romona and Beezus. It sounds like a rom/dram/com about a pretty Italian teen and her touching summer romance with her slightly retarded cousin all Les Cousins Dangereux style. Yes, I know it's the lead characters names, but honestly what the hell kind of name is Beezus anyway. I know you're all going to yell at me saying that this is based on a book and that I can't mock the name because that was the name of the book. I'm going to counter that attack by saying that a country that publishes an author that, of her own free will, decides to name the piece of literature that she is creating Ramona and Beezus is a country that is approaching dangerous levels of idiocy and desperation.

One quick thing. What's with Joey King who is a complete nobody to me gets billed before Disney princess/future pop goddess/bad actress Selena Gomez. This confuses me. Someone wanna clear it up?

Now onto the absolute worst part of this poster; those obviously pathetically fake paint hand prints on the girl's clothes. What, someone couldn't shell out 5 bucks for a can of paint? Selena wouldn't wear anything spoiled by someone else's un-famous hand prints? I really don't understand why they felt the need to digitally insert pink hand prints and then not even do a decent job of it. My 11 year old sister could do better than this. But then again, she is quite clever and intelligent. The adults who produced this are obviously neither of those things. It's a real shame, a real shame that I have to walk by this in the theater all the time and look at it.  It's really quite a waste of the wonderful gift that vision is.

At least a little sister goes a long way.

Soupy twist.

A Special Thank You!

Hey guys. I know you're not used to it, but this post is on a serious note. I just want you to take a look around your computer screen right now and take in what you are seeing. It is, what I think is, a stylishly designed and nice to look at blog design. Now don't think I'm getting all vain here, because I had little/nothing to do with said design. That was all the work of the tremendously talented Blollower, Danielle Pajak. She is an unbelievable artist and also, apparently, ain't too shabby at the whole web-page design thing either. I'd like to take this (long overdue) moment to publically thank her for her work on my blog.

Thank You Danielle Pajak!!!!

You'll be happy to know, Danielle, that I tried to find some frilly, 18th century font to put that thanks in to cater to your tastes a bit, but found nothing. I'm sure you could design one, but then I'd have to publically thank you for that too, and this would just turn into a never ending circle so I'm just going to leave the font as it is and hope that it's enough.

You all can check out Danielle's own blog here to see read some movie reviews of her own and check out some of her photography and the like. If you enjoy this blog on any level, please check out hers and support her work as well, because without hers mine would probably look a lot like this:




(*cringe*)

It's a good night from me.

Joke!

Hey guys. I came up with another lame joke today to help you all with your social lives. This ones so clever it'll leave that jock you hate scratching his head while his girlfriend gives you the wild eye. Yeah, boys, you know the one I mean. Ya'll ready for this?

You: What would I call the woman who gave birth to you if I had a studder?

Jock: I dunno what?

You: Yo yo ma.

Jock: Huh?

Jock's Girlfriend: (While looking at you) Purrrrrrrrr.

Jock: (Insert lame that's what she said or your mom joke here in an attempt to gain back the respect of his [soon to be ex] girlfriend here).

Then you leave with his girlfriend and he cries. The end.

You're welcome.

Robin Hood: Russell Crowe in Tights

I, for one, am excited about the new Robin Hood movie starring Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett. Yes, it looks like a Gladiator sequel, and yes it'll will probably be a cliche script with too much action and little to no story just trying to ride on the coat tails of that movie. Also I always have a problem with movies that use cheesy lines like, "Are you ready to become who you are?" What?! That doesn't even make sense! That's just a mediocre screen writer desperately trying to sound philosophical, important, and slightly prophetic. How can one become someone who one already is? Don't ask me. I wish I could tell you, but I'm too busy trying to regress to who I was to humor absurdly stupid statements like that. But despite all that, I'm still excited to see it. Why? Because there will be action, blood and Cate Blanchett. Do I need another reason? No, I don't expect it to be an intelligent film, but I will enjoy it on likely the only level it can be enjoyed- the sweet action. That being said, here's a clip of said sweet action now!

I love how it's the bloody 1300s or whatever and they still find ways for stuff to blow up. Maybe this is a Michael Bay film after all.

Community: Webisode!

So when Community started out last fall, I was wary. It was slightly amusing, but nothing terrific. I continued to watch it because I didn't have much else to do, and since I, myself, am in Community College, it struck home a little bit. But, over the following months, Community really came into its own becoming possibly the third best network sitcom on TV (trailing Modern Family and 30 Rock of course). Now, after a three week hiatus, Community is finally back tonight and not a moment too soon. But I'm not here to talk about the new episode. I'm here to talk about the internet webisodes that premiered on NBC.com during the hiatus. It is a two-part, Abed and Starburns centric space adventure. If you're asking how that works, just watch. It's pretty freaking hilarious and proves that if giving it's chance, Community is here to stay.

Part 1



Part 2

Lost Recap: "The Last Recruit"

I love this show. Yes, I know I've been less than ecstatic about some things they've done in this season (or rather, not done) but as it rolls toward it's end game, Lost has no peer in epic TV story telling. How great was this episode? (Answer: Super great!!!) This whole season so far has been set up, set up, set up. They have entire new lives in the Sideways world they have to introduce us to and all. They have to answer questions while still slowly getting the characters to the places they need to be for the final show down. This, to me is the first episode of the season that hasn't felt like set up, but instead felt like the beginning of the execution of the rest of the plot. You can really feel the story moving now. Characters are making moves, big moves, that take them to big, new, and scary places. Sawyer made a big move with his coup of the boat which led him and his companions into the not-so-open arms of Charles Widmore. The characters are starting to feel vunerable to me. That was probably the point with the whole Ilana explosion and it secretly did its work in my head. All of our people aren't going to make it to the end. There will be deaths, painful ones, and they are coming. No one is safe anymore and that just ups the suspense so much. But I'm jumping around too much. Lets start from the beginning.

I Wish I Thought of That... Pixar and Dreamworks.

So I found these two pictures on the site I'm now in love with. I shared a post from it the other day here. This site is great and I love their dissection of todays animation film making. It seems to line up with my own belief on the whole Pixar vs. Dreamworks battle. If you know me at all, you know that I believe one creates incredible, intelligent, and exceptionally well made films and the other makes gimmicks that, when it copies from the first one, actually makes something watchable but usually just sucks the big one. I won't name names here. I'll let you see if you can figure out which one is which.



Vs.





See how the stick figures in the Pixar one are: 1. Thinking 2. Coming up with stories 3. Making those stories unique and interesting. The Dreamworks picture speaks for itself. Brilliant! Thank you Filmdrunk!

It's a good night from me...

P.S. If you can't see the pictures, click on them to get a larger view.

Movie Review: "Death at a Funeral"

Thank God I got paid to watch this movie as opposed to having to pay for it. What a crap heap. If you read my dissection of this trailer you know how I feel about the fact that this movie was even made. This movie did nothing less than steal a great idea because the people behind it (Chris Rock) couldn't think of any decent ideas of their own. Now I thought maybe this version would stray a bit from the original. You know, attempt to jazz it up or make it more American or something, which would have been a terrible travesty to being with. What they did something even lower. They just basically made the exact same movie with different actors. They didn't even try to adapt it to their own humor or audience. Maybe they knew that would have failed and so they tried to completely steal the other version. In the end they failed even more. The result is kind of like a Tyler Perry version of the British Death at a Funeral (I know you can't hear my sarcasm, so i'll tell you up front, this is not a good thing, though I'm sure Oprah loved this movie).

Now the great thing about the British original is that it was so smart, and witty, and tongue in cheek. They really had some pretty hilarious idea in there. When you try to change it for an American audience which understand neither wit nor smart humor you already have problems. This movie's answer to that; everything the other movie humorously implies, this movie shouts at your face. See, good comedy is like horror films. In a horror film, you want to show the audience as little as possible, because what we can imagine is infinitely more scary than anything a make up artist can create. Good humor is the same way. It doesn't throw the entire joke and why it's funny out there. It gives you a set up and lets you have to figure out why its funny. Basically you have to use your head which is why Americans normally don't make anything very funny. This is also why one of the best comedies of all time, Arrested Development, was cancelled on TV after three and a half while one of the worst, Two and a Half Men, is going into its 8th season. Arrested Development asked you to think and just happened to be brilliant. Two and a Half Men ensures that you will never have to think. Ever.

Not to say this movie doesn't try to be funny though. It does. It tries really hard. It takes everything from the British original and recycles it, but it doesn't have the timing or the wit to pull it off. I don't think I laughed once at this movie because every single 'joke' falls flat. To be a funny actor you have to understand why the material you are given is funny. Just the fact that they thought it'd be a good idea to remake and Americanize this movie proves that they didn't get the humor to begin with, and therefore can't recreate and sell it. It ends up feeling like they're trying too hard, because the ideas in the script are hilarious, but the script and the performances aren't. Oh, but they are trying to be. They're trying really hard. You can't try to be funny in comedy! You just are or you aren't! This film is not.

Not to say there isn't decent parts. I lied before. I said I didn't laugh once. I actually think I laughed twice and both times it was at James Marsden. He's quite funny here. It pales in comparison to Alan Tudyk in the original, but what can you do? Another high point, Peter Dinklage. He and Marsden are the only two in this who give good performances. The rest are over the top or boring. I know it's weird to have both in a comedy, but that's what you get when you're trying too hard.

Chris Rock is a funny guy. I'm not trying to say he's not. I'm just trying to say that he was wrong for remaking this movie. And I'm saying that during his big motivational speech at the end he looks like he's trying to remember his lines. And I'm saying that he kind of looks like the zebra he plays in Madagascar. And I'm wondering if that's wrong to say. And I've decided that I don't care because it's true.

I'll take one moment to set up and share (possibly) the worst joke in this entire more, and trust me there's a lot. Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence are brothers. Chris is going to do the eulogy for his father because he's older (does that make no sense to anyone else?) but Martin is a writer so everyone thinks he should do the speech. When someone points this out to him, he says "But I'm a writer too." The man responds by saying, "We all write checks Aaron." Ooooh, clever.

Anyway this movie is a waste of time and so unnecessary. Rent the original. Seriously. It's hilarious. Skip this by all means. And if you don't skip this, and you pay money to see it, and they make a sequel, I am going to punch you in the throat. You've been warned.

D-

Six of one...: A-Team Vs. The Losers

So I don't know how common this event will be, but every once in a while Hollywood comes out with the exact same movie twice and releases them months from each other. We all saw Deep Impact and Armageddon; Volcano and Dante's Peak et. al. There's the more recent examples as well of Observe and Report and Paul Blart Mall Cop. So when this continues to happen, as i'm sure it will since Hollywood has absolutely no new ideas left, I'll be here to tell you which one to see, which one to skip, or most likely tell you to skip them both while I blatantly mock them. For our first installment, we have to terribly bad trailers to two (probably) equally bad films. So lets logially look at this, create a mathmatical equation and see which film will come out on top if any at all.

A-Team

Vs.

The Losers

It's not just me right? These look like the exact same movies. An elite, all male, group who each specialize in something and must join forces once again to make those that did them wrong pay. They do this, of course, by absurd and spectacular actions scenes. So, which one to watch and which one to skip? Let do the equation:

We must compare and contrast each cast member and plot point so lets get started.

The Scruffy Rogue Leader:

Liam Neeson > Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Proof: ([Batman Begins x {Schindler's List + Love Actually - The Haunting}] / Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace)

Is much greater than:

([Watchmen-P.S. I Love You] / Grey's Anatomy)

The Math Does itself really. Conclusion: 5 points for A-Team

Next! The Heartthrob sarcastic side kick:

Bradley Cooper > Chris Evans

Proof: ([Alias + The Hangover] / [Valentines Day - All About Steve]

Is slightly greater than:

([Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World - Cellular] / ([Fantastic Four - Fantastic 4: The Silver Surfer - The First Avenger: Captain America] / The Avengers)

This ones a lot harder. There's almost nothing close to decent on either of their two resume's whatsoever. Conclusion: 2 points for A-Team

The hot chick, who knows she shouldn't, but helps them anyway due to her massive sexual attraction to one/all of the boys in the group:

Jessica Biel & Zoe Saldana

Proof: (The Illusionist x [Elizabethtown - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre] / {Valentines Day - [I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry / 7th Heaven] - Stealth}

Is less than:

(Avatar x (Star Trek + The Terminal + Pirates of the Caribean: Curse of the Black Pearl - Takers] / Death at a Funeral)

This was going to be a close one, but looking a list of the movies Jessica has been in, it's no contest. Conclusion: 3 points for The Losers

The token black bad ass (a##, for those of you with sensitive eyes):

Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson & Idris Elba

Proof: (UFC)

Is much less than:

(The Wire x [The Office + American Gangster] / [Takers - The Unborn]

This one isn't even close. Surprisingly, Idris has possibly the second most impressive resume of both these movies (next to lord Liam of course). The Wire is legit. And has no one ever seen a movie with The Rock or Michael Cena in it?! Do they not realize putting a sports (?) star (?) in a movie is a bad idea?! It would have been better to go with Mr. T even though he's old and cliche. I pity the fool who puts a UFC star in a big role of their film. 'Rampage' proves my suspicions right with his awesome delivery of the line, "I'm B.A. and you're going to B. unconscious" in the trailer. It's right before he kicks a guy who goes flying up through a window. Now I'm not science geek or anything, but if you kick someone the way he kicks someone the velocity and trajectory of the action would never result in the object being kicked to fly up. But they wanted him to look B. A. (bad ass). Conclusion: 7 points for The Losers.

Villain:

Patrick Wilson > Jason Patric (who?)

Proof: (Hard Candy x [Little Children + The Phantom of the Opera + Watchmen])

Is much greater than

(In the Valley of Elah / [My Sisters Keeper - Speed 2: Cruise Control]

Another no brainer: 5 points for A-Team

Other cast:

Sharlto Copley > [Columbus Short + Oscar Jaenada]

Proof: (District 9)

Is greater than:

([Armored - Stomp the Yard - White Out] / Death At a Funeral) + (Che: Part 2)

Copley takes it just because he was awesome in District 9 which was a pretty awesome movie and these two don't know what awesome means obviously (one may not even be able to say it with the language barrier and all). Conclusion: 3 points for A-Team

Well at this point this is we're we're at:

A-Team: 15

The Losers: 10

Other Deductions/Additions:

The whole innocent being set up plot is way too tried: -1 point for A-Team

B.A.'s line delivery and line in general: -1 point for A-Team

People thinking Murdoch trying to jump-start an ambulance with a defibrillator is funny: -1 point for A-Team

Liam Neeson and Sharlto Copley both struggling with their various American accents: -2 points for A-Team

All the absurd action at the end of the trailer: -3 points for A-Team

Zoe Saldana with a rocket launcher: + 1 point for The Losers

BlkGyver: - 1 point for The Losers

Women walking in on Chris Evans changing in an elevator and his expression that's meant to be funny: - 1 point for The Losers

Zoe Saldana dodging bullets in slow motion in her underwear: + 2 points for The Losers

The sniper shooting a motorcycle and it immediately blowing up while not killing the person on it (Chris Evens I believe): -2 points for The Losers

Chris Evan killing guard with his bare hands because his Mexican friend (or Colombian or something) is sniping them from far away: + 1 point for The Losers. Gotta admit, that's kinda cool.

The other ridiculous action: - 1 point for The Losers

That stupid and unfunny part where they make Idris Elba and Jeffrey Dean Morgan apologize to each other like they're children or something: - 2 points for The Losers

Final Score:

A-Team: 7

The Losers 7

Verdict:

Skip both. Seriously. Haven't I made this clear enough? These movies are both going to suck. Decent actors in some of them, but not worth it over all.

Lost Recap: "Everybody Loves Hugo"

So I realized this morning that it's bloody monday I still don't have my Lost recap up from last week. So here it is:

LIBBY!!!!!!! It's so good to see her back, snogging Hurley and all. She was my post Kate, pre Juliet crush on Lost and her being back reignighted all those feelings. It was confusing. But wonderful! So how does this new world work, I mean she's dead in the island world, but she's very alive here. How the frak are these world going to collide? Consciousness traveling? Are they going to collide? What answers will we receive and when?!?!?

I Wish I Thought of That...

So, thanks to friend and blollower, Ben Varosky I discovered this movie film blog that's pretty great. It's like what I would do if I had any real talent. This one post in particular is pretty hilarious. Enjoy.

http://www.uproxx.com/feature/2010/04/movie-premises-that-could-use-a-10-year-moratorium/

Intense amounts of electro magnetism...

Crap guys. So I had a pretty normal day. Went to work, rocked it, got off, and the went to the grocery store. But that's when ALL HELL POSSIBLY BROKE LOOSE. I walk in the sliding door when I realized I almost forgot to grab a shopping kart. I do a quick U-turn (easier in shoes than in a car) and randomly selected a kart to assist me in my shopping. Normal day. Nothing out of the ordinary. But that's when tradgedy may have struck. Instead of a normal kart- you know the kind, they pull slightly to the right and you walk out of the store with one side of your body slightly buffer than the rest from keeping the kart from running into racks, employees and small children (they do this on purpose to help cure American obeseity)- I grabbed the shock kart! These are rare and scary and elusive (like Chupacabra the), but they do exist (also like the Chupacabra). If you haven't encountered these, good! I will just tell you about them. It's just safer that way. Something went wrong with this particular kart and now every several second it sent a huge jolt of what I can only describe, based on my nerd-verse knowledge, as electro magnetism into my body. This never turns out well. I'm just counting the seconds before I turn into Dr. Manhattan...



Or perhaps even worse... Desmond Hume!!!



I don't know what I'm going to do! I don't have a bloody constant brotha! I can feel it. The end is nigh. I just ask one thing by those who survive me- find that british/australian girl i was going to meet and marry in the future and tell her she really missed out. Show her my picture. One where I don't look fat. Maybe with my Survivor buff on.

I need you all to promise me one more thing. Please don't try to avenge my death/transformation-into-a-superior-being-who-experiences-all-time-at-once-and-is-therefore-better-than-all-you-measly-petty-humans. Vengance never goes too well in the real world. Just accept my fate and try to move on with your lives.

Thanks blog followers. Or perhaps, for now on i'll just call you Blollowers. (No, definitely blog followers. Blollowers sounds like a crude sex act.) You will be rewarded in Heaven.

Movie Review: "Kick Ass"

One of the perks about being a manager at a movie theater is I have to (get to) screen films. See, we get reels of film in that are then combined together to make a print. That print is what you see when you go to the movies. To make sure that each print is ready for audience viewing, one of the managers has to screen it before we ever show it to the public. So, the other night I sat down in a theater all by myself at 11:00 pm and got paid to watch Kick Ass. And that it did. This movie totally describes itself.

Somehow this movie manages to be a pretty awesome super hero origin story all the while satirizing the entire genre. While doing this it creates a super hero story that is completely thrilling, surprising and original. It is better than most super hero movies though (and by most I mean nearly all) because you feel that these characters are in legitimate danger the entire time. One major flaw in the super hero genre is how super these characters really are. I couldn't get into Superman Returns at all because anytime Superman would should up the day was saved. The dude's invincible. Or take X-Men for instance, you know they're not going to kill off Wolverine or Storm because they always want to make sequels, and Halle Berry would be mad pissed if she doesn't get the appropriate screen time or her new "sexy Storm" hair cut. There's no real danger and that completely diffuses the suspense. Even Spider-man or Batman who are the most human and deep in this genre, you know that no matter what they go through, they're going to win in the end. That is not the case in this movie.

Kick Ass takes place in the real world. The Narrator, Dave (Kick Ass) Lizewski, makes many references to famous comic books, movies and actors. This is not Gotham City. This is real life New York. These people have no super powers. They are vulnerable human beings. They have special skills sure, but no powers. When these characters suit up, they are risking their lives. The movie pull no punches about this early on. Kick Ass' first attempt at heroism ends pretty badly for him. Also, along this same line, it is constantly apparent that when these heroes kill a bad guys, they're legitimately ending a life. You get that feeling and it adds to the realism in a very interesting way. This isn't 2012 where billions of people are dying and you don't care as long as John Cusack is safe. No, you don't care about the bad guys necessarily, but you're constantly aware that when they die, they die. Throughout the entire movie, they most often die at the hand of an 11 year old girl.

Chloe Grace Moretz seems to be popping up everywhere. She was Joseph Gordon-Levitts younger sister/therapist confidant in last years (500) Days of Summer. I just found out she's playing the female lead in the new Let the Right One In American remake. I can't think of someone better. She's awesome here. She doesn't give an Oscar winning performance or anything, but for an 11 year old who kills scores of people and curses like a sailor, she does a pretty damn good job. Her father is played by Nicholas Cage who is better here than he has been in years (save for The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call- New Orleans which I haven't seen, but heard he's spectacular in.) Aaron Johnson who play Dave/Kick Ass is someone I had never heard of, but he does a pretty good job. He looks a lot like Tobey McGuire in a mask, though, which I'm sure helped him secure the job. He shows a vunerability with Dave that missed on a lot of these super hero performances. Especially when they're teenagers. It works really well. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is the biggest surprise of all to me though. I never would have thought after watching him in Superbad that he would be able to pull off a real performance with depth and nuance. He does that here. He did it in Role Models too. He's really a quite a good actor. His character works for me too, and it's not at all what I expected from the trailers. It's a very well written and well acted part, but I won't say anything more than that.

What really works in Kick Ass is the action. That's what won me over initially. It is expertly crafted and shot by director Matthew Vaughn. It's exciting, frenetic and fun. This movie is better than any movie called Kick Ass has any right to be. Check it out. You won't be disappointed.

A-

Movie Review: "Date Night"

Mild manner couple Phil and Claire Foster (Steve Carell and Tina Fey) just want a simple night on the town. They want one night where they don't go to same family restaurant in their New Jersey town. Just one date night away from the kids and responsibilities. Of course they are rewarded by getting caught up in a dangerous political scandal where they must drive sports cars in car chases, don sexy disguises, and end the corruption once and for all, all the while rediscovering their love for each other and re-igniting their marriage.

This is where Date Night fails. I would have been happy to watch Tina Fey drink milk and make quippy remarks for two hours. Steve Carell used to be funny too, before he played every character exactly like Michael Scott from The Office. They don't need to put these two in a highly formulaic action movie to get butts in the seats. Also, why did these guys need to have problems in their marriage that could only be resolved by a night of car chases and gun fire? That part is too cliche. Fortunately, the problems they have aren't that big or serious. Their really quite silly actually. So much so, it just reaffirms my belief that they didn't really need that subplot; they feel like they've just become really good room mates instead of lovers.

This belief stems from two friends who are getting a divorce for that very reason. He wants, I dunno, man time. She wants to "do" three dudes at once. It's stupid, but it sets up the insecurities for Phil and Claire's marriage. Phil and Claire, however, really have a great marriage. They love each other. They work well together. They're good parents. They're not selfish. They're kind of the best hollywood marriage I've ever seen. One that show that it's not about the excitement and getting what you want, it's about loving your spouse and catering to what they need. That's why it annoys me so much that they have to discover that they're indeed missing out on something. Sometimes marriage is being really good room mates. I know I haven't been married publically before, but I wanted their marriage. It was sweet and fun and funny. Oh well, I guess if everything was fine to begin with they wouldn't need car chases to rediscover themselves. That's Hollywood.

Where this movie succeeds? Two words; Tina Fey. She's maybe the most likable entertainer in the business at the moment in that: A. She wrote a high school teen drama and made it hilarious and awesome (Mean Girls). B. She actually made SNL worth watching for a small amount of time (Weekend Update). And C. She makes me not only watch, but enjoy watching Tracy Morgan (30 Rock). On top of that she has the most consistently funny sitcom on television (30 Rock is ending its fourth season just as strong or strong than its past seasons). Name one other person capable of any of that. Pretty much everything she says is hilarious in this movie too. She's worth the price of the ticket alone. Steve Carell is pretty good, but i've grown quite bored of him. He, like his famous sitcom, The Office, fails to evolve as a entertainer and therefore is just tired and predictable. He was decent in this film, but I felt like I'd seen it all before. Try something new! Over all, I really enjoyed Date Night because its flaws are very small parts of the film and Tina Fey is a very big part.

B-

Movie Review: "The Ghost Writer"

This movie, starring a solid Ewan McGregor and directed by the world famous (and infamous) Oscar winning director, Roman Polanski, is a very good film. The title, however, is unfortunate. It's a completely appropriate and logical title for what the film is, don't get me wrong. It just has the unfortunate problem of being confused with this movie:

Or perhaps even works, this after school teen drama:

The former was an atrociously bad comic book revenge movie starring Nicholas Cage. The latter, a 90s show about a bright light (the ghost writer!) that zipped around and helped preteens learn to read or solve murders or something. (The highlight for me is the mid-thirties mail woman affectionately named, "Grandma Jenkins.")

This, however is a different movie entirely. When they don't take the form of moving balls of alien light, ghost writers, in real life, are hired to be the unofficial author of something written by a famous person. They do all the work. The famous person gets all the credit. Many autobiographies are written this way. Songs too. For instance, when Miley Cyrus published her autobiography, Miles to Go, I'm going to venture a (educated) guess that it was the ghost, not Miley, who did the writing. I make this educated guess with the knowlege that had Miley, herself, indeed written said book, it would have looked much more like this, "i m soooooo much bttr thn that selena gomez. m i rite? l8r h8r!"

In any case, McGregor plays the "Ghost" to former British prime minister Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan). Surrounded by recent scandal, Lang has taken up residence in a multimillion dollar house on an island off the east coast. This is where much of the action takes place, though perhaps action isn't the word. Many people complain that this film is boring. I agree to an extent. I think it is boring to anyone who's used to the plot of whatever film their watching dragging them along as quickly as possible so as not to lose them. That's how we, Americans, commonly make films anyway. There's even explosions in Julia Roberts movies for pete's sake. This film takes its time. It's risky to put out a film like this in a time when most movie goers expect to be thrilled and surprised. This film did thrill and surprise me. I just had to be patient first.

So much of this film is mood. The location where they shot is stunning. It's grey and nearly always rainy. (A metaphor for how this dishonored ex diplomat feels as the world turns against him perhaps?) There is a mystery here, but it doesn't neatly unfold at just the expected time the way that most films of this genre do. It's much too smart and well made for that. You can always tell when you're watching the work of a master director. Everything feels so exact, so planned and organized. As if he has firmly grasped your hand and is leading you through this story. You get that sense here. Say what you will about Polanski's personal life and his past sins, but they're completely irrelevant here. His direction is what should be discussed and it's flawless.

The highlight of this film is Olivia Williams. She's been in many things over the years, but perhaps never really give the right role or the freedom to shine. And here, shine she does. She's fantastic and its possibly the best part of the film. The other acting is quite strong too. Kim Cattrall fubbs her British accent pretty spectacularly every time she speaks, but McGregor and Brosnan both do some of their best work in years.

There was something that struck me as interesting (and distracting) during this film, however. Numerous times they dubbed over the f word with other words tv stlye. I would suggest maybe they read my previous post on the subject, however 'chicken faggot' was no where to be found either. It was odd and off setting and I'm not sure why they did it. Probably to garner a PG-13 rating in hopes to do more business, but in this day and age that hardly seems necessary. This, however, is only one small mistep in what truely is a great film.

A-

Movie Review: "Repo Men"

Did anyone ever see Repo: The Genetic Opera? Me neither. But it came out a year or two ago and had the exact same plot as this movie. People who can't pay for their new organs have them ripped out by a repo man. That one, however is a musical with Paris Hilton and Alexa Vega. Whatever you think about this movie, you'd probably have to admit it's the lesser of two evils. But, I really want to know how they got away with making this one, stealing the plot from such a recent movie. I know! I know! They repo'ed that movie's plot because it didn't make enough money in theaters or on video to pay for itself! That must be it.

Anyway, this incarnation at least stars some decent actors. Jude Law. Forrest Whitaker. Liev Schreiber. These guys rock. Why'd they sign onto this? Well I just have to guess that the recession is hitting Hollywood too. This movie also stars Alice Braga who never read a bleak, post apocalyptic script she didn't like. I Am Legend. Blindness. This. Next she's going to be in the new Robert Rodriguez directed Predators. She's the Jamie Lee Curtis of end of the world movies.

In spite of all that it is, I really think this movie had an interesting idea. With people dying from organ failure every day, it's not too far fetched to believe that we would try to find a way to create artificial organs to assist us in living. Have they already done this? What do I look like to you? Someone who reads science magazines?! No, I'm perfectly fine with my Entertainment Weekly, thank you. Anyway despite the slightly intriguing concept, this movie goes wrong fairly quickly. I really hate it when characters act out of character just to drive the plot. This happens in the form of Jude Laws wife, who is almost too much of a chicken faggot to be believed for most of her screen time. She is given no motivation or reason really. She just is. Why? Because we need her to be to get Jude Law to where he needs to be for the rest of this 'story'.

It goes from predictable to much worse with Jude Law- who now has a fake heart he can't pay for pumping blood through his veins- and Alice Braga running away from once friend Forest Whitaker. Of course eventually they decide they must pull a matrix and break into the huge corporation to cancel their overdue organs out of the system so they can escape forever. They meet only enough guards to do a couple of slow-mo segments of people getting shot up before they get to where they need to be. Then it gets more ridiculous.

In the end it tries to turn into a much less compelling and thought out, Vanilla Sky, which I actually totally saw coming. If you've seen Vanilla sky, you can probably guess the ending as well. If you haven't I won't ruin that great movie for you by telling you the ending of this one. Part of me really does want to ruin this one for everyone though, just to punish it for repo-ing two hours out of my life.

D

Soupy Twist.

Movie Review: "How to Train Your Dragon"

Let me start this review off by saying something that I know is going to be contraversial. Dreamworks Animation Studios doesn't know how to make films. They know how to make gimmicks and market them to the right audience. Shrek 3, Monsters Vs. Aliens, and both Madagascars are prime examples of this. They do, however occasionally, strike gold and this fortunately is one of those times. In fact I would put How to Train Your Dragon solidly in the top one or two spot in their entire cannon. It's battling, of course with Kung Fu Panda. Both of these films are rapturously beautiful and when the beauty is on screen it distracts from the clamor of most of the characters.

The sad thing is, even at its absolute best, Dreamworks can't touch the lowliest of Pixar films. Well, maybe Cars, but still. Why is this? Story. I happen to know a someone who works for Pixar and she shared with me that they place all their thought and emphasis on the story. It is their highest priority. They will throw out months of animation work if they realize the story is lacking. This is what film making is about. Story. So few other film makers realize or even care about this fact.

The story of How to Train Your Dragon is pretty much the same exact story you've seen in every other movie ever. The likable outsider is ridiculed by everyone on the inside. He wants to fit in. He's not good enough. Then, he finds he has a special talent that none of the others have (in this case it's training dragons!). Of course tragedy strikes and he must display his special talent and save the village. In the end everyone loves him. Yay! This is where this film goes wrong. Pretty much all the time Hiccup (said outsider) spends in his Viking village is torn right out of the pages of the cliche handbook. His father is disappointed in him. In the end he accepts him! The girl he wants thinks he's a loser. In the end she gives him a very awkward kiss in front of the whole village! Everyone thinks he's a failure. In the end everyone loves him and realizes he was right all along and change their two hundred year old mindsets and customs to accommodate his! Sorry, erm... SPOILER ALERT. The other characters in the village are just characatures voiced by loud, popular comedians aimed at getting more people into the theater. See what I mean about gimmick?

When Hiccup gets away to... ahem... train his dragon, Toothless is when the movie soars out of its cliches into something really magical. There's little talking, but lots of story and it's way more interesting to me than watching a bunch of annoying Vikings make current pop culture jokes. Toothless, animated with that characteristics of cats and dogs and other animals I'm sure, really pops off the screen. He is such a vivid character and never says a word. Their flying scenes together are amazing. Worth the price of the ticket alone. Their relationship is pretty touching too. I don't know why the whole movie isn't this way. They think they have to add in the stupid loud characters for the kids, yet WALL*E proved kids will still love a movie with no talking. They'll love this one too. When they get out of the theater and they're talking about the movie do you know who they'll be talking about? Not the Jonah Hill voiced Snotlout. Or even America Ferrera as the love interests, Astrid. They'll be talking about Toothless and Hiccup. They won't care that they weren't speaking. They be entraced, like I was, by their story.

Now I know I'm being harsh here. This is actually one of the better films I've seen recently. I just know that it had much more potential had they been a little riskier and not fallen into their comfort zones. There is something that they do at the end which was pretty surprising and pretty impressive on a storytelling level. I won't ruin it for you but kudos to them for that. All in all it was a good film. Worth a watch.

B

Movie Review: "Clash of the Titans"

There's nothing more desperate than filming an entire movie in 2D technology, and then after seeing the success that Avatar had in 3D, pushing back your movie a week and hastily converting the whole thing into 3D. This is the problem with the film industry. It's all about the money and not about the craft. We are currently in one of the worst recessions in our countries history. That, if nothing else, should tip off to the fact that Americans really don't know how to spend their money wisely. That's mirrored in their making Transformers 2 the second highest grossing film last year, and people actually going to see this in 3D. It's sad and stupid but people do it. Good for them, as businessmen, to ride on the coat tails of a much better and revolutionary film. Bad for them as film makers.

You can say what you want about Avatar and its story. Yes we've seen those elements before, but no one can argue that it wasn't a gorgeous, mind-blowing visual feast; an experience in 3D unlike any we've ever seen or probably will see for a while (at least until Avatar 2). I cannot fault films like Up or How to Train Your Dragon, because these were actually made in 3D. Also they implement 3D in the way that Avatar did- to enhance the story, not distract from it. Films like Alice in Wonderland and Clash of the Titans that convert later not only look like piss but are just a gimmick to get more money out of their mediocre films. It's annoying.

Now I know this is supposed to be a review about the film and I have barely mentioned it so here we go. It wasn't awful. It was exactly what you expect with this kind of movie; lots of action, not much dialogue or acting. It desperately tries to be better ancient war adventure films with everything from short skirts (Gladiator) to fun/crazy side characters (Braveheart). Don't forget monsters who see through their hands (Pan's Labyrinth)! I will admit, I had fun. I've been getting into Greek Mythology a lot lately, and that aspect of it was interesting to me. Was it accurate? Probably not. But what do you expect?! They're action film makers! Not historians or book readers!

I did like this film. It wasn't good but I enjoyed it for what it was. Ralph Fiennes, always terrific, makes for a legitimately frightening Hades. And what the frak is up with Liam Neeson constantly playing ficticious gods?



(He voiced Aslan in the Narnia movies if you don't get the reference)

C-

Soupy Twist.

Movie Review: "Diary of a Wimpy Kid"

Ok I know what you're thinking and I just want to preface that by saying that I have an eleven year old sister who I took this to. If you've read my previous posts you know how I feel about awful kids films- Anyone who watches them should be sent to an island with no food or water, forced to survive in an uncanny 'Lord of the Flies' type situation. (I will also accept 'The Most Dangerous Game'). I know it sounds cruel, but our countries intellect is rotting and I've created a graph to clearly show exactly what's responsible for this. WARNING: This may be disturbing.



As you can see, based on the research 'Crappy Kids Films' is by and large the greatest reason for the dumbing down of America's youth. I am a HUGE advocate against this if you haven't already noticed.

This movie, however, doesn't really fall in that category. No, it's not great, but it is surprisingly amusing. It has a sort of go for broke humor that, unlike most Disney Channel Originals, actually works here. Stuff like a Jr. High newspaper with a front page story that reads, "Cheerleader Gains Pound." That's moderately funny stuff. At least for something marketed at kids that wasn't made by Pixar.

There was one scene that was ridiculous however. The Wimpy Kid and his overweight friend are playing outside in the snow, but instead of back in the old days when you would either go someplace that had snow, or cover a set in white stuff so it looked like snow, the makers of this movie saw fit to shoot the whole scene on a green screen and digitally insert the street covered in snow afterwards. Suffice to say, it looks like chont.

There is one reason, mainly, that I am recommending this movie. (Maybe recommending isn't the right word... hmmm... not completely trashing..?) The reason has a one word answer. Like Freddie or Jason or Rocky or Cher this character needs no more than one name. That name; Fregley! I'm not even sure I'm spelling it right, nor do I care. This kid was hilarious. I would watch an entire movie about him. Forget these normal, full of themselves prepubescents! Lets explore Freglie's world with his special freckle and taxadermied cryptid! His nearly scary friendliness and that amazing unicorn costume. He, for me, single handedly saved this movie from mediocrity.

"I can hear you breathing Greg Heffley."

C

Soupy Twist.

P.S. If you guys can't see the graph clearly click on it. It should take you to a window where you can read it better.

Lost Recap: "Happily Ever After"

Well damn.

I was so sure about my sweet prediction that The Sideways World was simply what the Candidates lives would have been had Jacob never interfered and touched them. A part of me knew, this wouldn't be it. That, the great masters of storytelling that are Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof (executive producers, writers, show runners of Lost) would make it all fit into this narrative somehow; parallel universe, afterlife etc. But all those answer seemed cheap to me. Underwhelming and kind of unnecessary.

Joke!

Ok, so I came up with this joke today. Granted it was while one of my friends was telling a similar common lame joke. I added onto it and like it much better. Feel free to use this if you need a good segue into talking to a girl or getting attention at a party. Not for free though. Each laugh=$3.00.

Person 1: What do you call a confused dinosaur?

Person 2: I don't know, what?

Person 1: Trannysaurus!

People all around: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Total price for Radcliff: $21.00 plus tax.

Total love and admiration and friends for you: Endless.

There's some things money can't buy. One of them is popularity. But you can buy jokes from me that will win you popularity. Think about it.

Soupy Twist.

F***!

So, unsurprisingly, I had a couple of early blog readers display unapproval of my use of certain f words. One in particular. Don't worry guys, I'm not mad. I understand. I just wanted to say that I did use to to sound like a bad a... butt. To me it's just a word, and like any other word, I use it when I feel its definition aids the sentence. Mostly, I'll admit, in a comedic way. I will however, for you sake, cease to use that word. I don't need it. I'm a competent and intelligent enough adult that I don't need that word to portray what I'm trying to say.

This situation reminded me of something. Please watch...

It is for this reason that every time I feel like using it, I will replace the word 'f***' with the word 'chicken faggot'. You're welcome.

Worst Trailers 2: The Squeakquel!

This is the last repost. Everything from here on out will be completely new and original. Enjoy compadres!

So I hadn't imagined this to be a running column or anything. I wrote the first one to vent. However since so many people enjoyed it, and since I so enjoyed writing it, and since since then I've noticed so many terrible trailers going unpunished I've decided to write another. I have been planning this one for a while and many trailers have at one time inhabited this list. The terribly unoriginal Did You Hear About the Morgans was #6 on the last list and pretty close to making this one. Though, since I procrastinate worse than a fat eighth grade boy in PE, that movie already came out before I got around to writing this. There were some horrendous trailers to some pretty decent movies mostly involving those terribly cliched trailer man voice overs. You know the type. The ones that are so blatantly obvious about the plot you'd think you were watching a foreign film. Man: Hi I'm Robert DeNiro. I'm going on a road trip to see my kids." Narrator: "Robert is a old man, going on a road trip to see his kids. But he meets... unexpected things on the way. Sometimes when you're going on a journey, you have to pack... some luggage." (That was supposed to be read in that deep over dramatic trailer man voice). See Everybody's Fine or the second trailer for Brothers to witness this at its worst. The Kristen Bell vehicle, When in Rome also deserves a mention. I'd say that's the #6 honorary loser on this list. But the five I did settle on, I'm pretty happy with.

#5 Death at a Funeral

Now you may be watching this trailer and think, "Hey I don't know what that old, cynical Radcliff is talking about. This trailer is really funny! It's clever and original." If you're thinking that raise your hand right now. No, i don't care that I can't see you. Raise it! Ok to all of you who are raising your hand, you're an ignorant slut. Sorry it's true. Want to know why? Because this movie isn't clever or original. This movie is actually a remake. And I'm not talking about a remake of a 100 year old Japanese film with subtitles at a samurai funeral or something. No, I'm talking about a film from England. In English. By the exact same title. From 2007. All you math whizzes out there will be scratching your head saying, "But Radcliff, wasn't that just three years ago?" YES IT WAS JUST THREE BLOODY YEARS AGO AND THAT DEATH AT THE FUNERAL ISN'T EVEN COLD YET!!!!! That's why I'm so pissed that this movie exists. They grave robbed a very funny British film and instead of having respect for the humor of it, and trying to bring it to a wider audience so more Americans could appreciate it, they decided instead to completely steal absolutely everything from that film and remake it. They did change one thing. Instead of English, lots of this one is in Ebonics. Despite that, everything in this trailer is nearly word for word from the original. Except less funny. Because no one speaking any of the lines is British. And I really really really really hope that no one reading this thinks that Martin Lawrence 's humor is funnier than British humor. Here just take a look at the trailer for the original:



See. Much funnier. Much dryer. Much better. It pains me to think the amount of Americans who will watch this and think that Chris Rock (Pootie Tang) Martin Lawrence (Big Mama's House 2) or Danny Glover (Saw) are funny again. Like they wrote/chose a good script. No the fucking didn't! They stole a great script and ruined it by being a part of it. Things that further annoy me about this movie: 1. Zoe Saldana is in it. She has had a GREAT year between Avatar and Star Trek and I really like her. Though honestly I think she may have the funniest delivery in the whole thing. 2. Tracy Morgan. Now I'm a big fan of 30 Rock and I'm even a fan of him in 30 Rock but that's because he's playing an illiterate moron. It suits him. To see him in this trying to use adult words like "uncle", "dead fish", and "coffin" is painful. 3. Martin Lawrence lustily telling Chris Rock that it's ok if that hot chick is in 12th grade because she has a very nice behind. Daaaaaaaaaamn. (That was mean to be read in Ebonics.) So classy. 4. Peter Dinklage playing the same part in both films. What?! Why would he agree to star in the remake of a perfectly fine film that he played in two years earlier? Paycheck maybe? 5. James Marsden playing the white drugged out naked guy. Ok actually this is one bright spot. He looks pretty funny. But he's nothing compared to the comic genius that the terrific Alan Tudyk is in the first. Sorry Cyclops, you missed the boat. Anyway I hope you all skip this winner for most unnecessary remake of all time. The new remake of the terrific Swedish vampire film, Let the Right One In, called Let Me In comes close to taking said prize but at least the original for that one is in another language and the remake is starring some very good actors. What excuse does this crap heap have? Nothing! Rent the original.

#4 The Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

I thought about starting this one by naming all the successful, well made video game adaptations. Until I realized there are none. I mean you have crap like Resident Evil 2, House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark in this category. And these are the "good" ones. (Shudder). So its safe to say that no matter how bad this movie is, it'll still be better than most of the rest. That doesn't, however, stop it from being one of the worst trailers out there now and, mark my words, it will be one of the worst films of next year. This is what the production meeting sounded like I think.

Disney boss man: We need another Pirates of the Caribbean. A rip roaring, fun, slightly supernatural family adventure. What have you got?

Other guy who has a 13 year old boy: My son likes this game about this Arab guy who can like defy gravity and turn back time and stuff.

Disney bm: Brilliant! Who should we get to play him? Anyone you know look Arab?

Third guy: That gay cowboy is pretty popular. (shocked looks) No! (chuckling) not the dead one! (Relieved chuckles all around)

Disney bm: (wiping his eyes from the chuckling) Alright. Slap a tan on Donnie and get him ready to go. Somebody... you, glasses, you look smart. Write a screenplay. Alright! Good work everybody, lets get drunk.

The result is this travesty posing as entertainment. I love how they tried to be all clever and coy with the dialogue between bad accented and super tanned Jake and weird accented princess girl. I will count down the worst lines in the trailer.

4. The whole entire freaking opening monologue by weird accented princess girl talking all mystically about some dagger which culminates in her saying, "The only way to stop this Armageddon is to take the dagger to the secret guardian temple." She then makes her point by saying with the next breath, "We must take it there!" Wow good stuff. I love that the official title for the place that they need to hide the sacred artifact that will destroy man kind if it fall into the wrong hands is The Secret Guardian Temple. If I were a bad guy, i think that's the first place I would raid. Just personally speaking. I also HATE when movies take place in other times and countries before English was even a language and still have everyone speaking English but think if they throw on some phony accents we'll forget everything we ever learned in world history class. Like Valkyrie for instance. That was a decent movie but lets just face it, having Tom Cruise play a one eyed German is kinda like getting Cameron Diaz to star in a biopic about Tokyo Rose. I know they do this to make it more commercial so fat rednecks won't have to read the movie between between shovelfuls of over buttered popcorn but it still annoys the hell out of me. Sorry for not being an idiot. I also like that they used the word Armageddon here. Pretty sure that word is from the ancient Greek language and was first used in the book or Revelation. This wouldn't be know by these Persians since the "Persian Empire" collapsed 400 years before the New Testament was even written. I know! I know! I'm being to harsh on glasses guy. He shouldn't have to do his homework AND think of all the clever dialog we're about to hear come out of these characters mouths.

3. Tanned Jake: Oh you really enjoy telling me what to do don't you?
Princess: Only because you're so good at following orders.
Tanned Jake: Don't press your luck.

What does this even mean?!?!?! Its like they were trying to be suggestively flirty but had no idea what they were suggesting. It's like when someone makes an idiotic "That's what she said" joke. You know who I'm talking about. Those people who aren't funny, but try to be by saying "That's what she said" after everything you say. And just to humor them and try to make the joke work, you have to stretch your logic so far it's almost to the breaking point. Such as:

"Toss me that ball."
"That's what she said!"
"???"

This is what that feels like. I know that Glasses has probably never had a girlfriend and probably never even flirted with anyone successfully in his life so how could he know what it looks like but stilll! Moving on.

2. Princess: Where's the dagger?
Tanned Jake: You're welcome to search me for it.... You'd have to be very thorough.

Again, WHAT?!?!?!? Where is he hiding it that she'd have to be super thorough to find it? Lady, check his sheath for the dagger! That's what she said. Seriously though I can not wrap my mind around this. Maybe I'm ignorant or maybe I don't get nonsensical flirting. Or maybe I'm irritated by how witless this whole exchange is. I don't know, but it's stupid.

1. Princess: Such a noble prince, leaping to assist the fallen beauty.
Tanned Jake: Who said you were a beauty.
Princess: There must a reason you can't take your eyes off me.
(Pause)
Tanned Jake: Inane mumbling.

Wow. Do i even need to walk you through how terrible this is? I hope not because I don't feel like I can stoop that low right now. But it's bad. Like, the worst thing I've ever heard bad. I love that she calls herself a beauty straight up, THEN he denies it! She responds by pointing out that he can't stop staring at her. What charmers these pair. Is there anyone that actually finds this interchange funny? I think that's how they mean it, comic relief but it's the opposite of relief to me. It gives me gas.

The rest of the trailer is a hodgepodge of crazy epic actiony things with bad enough graphics to make Tanned Jake actually look like he's in the Prince of Persia video game. Please don't want this movie. Please. Because if you do, they will make more.

#3 From Paris With Love

First of all who ever thought it would be a good idea to cast John Travolta as a bad ass, trigger happy, slightly crazy hit man? Second of all who heard that idea and then convinced others that he should do all of that while being bald and having a goatee? By the way, nice ear rings, bad ass hit man. Travolta made number one on my last list so I'm being kind to him here but really?!?!?! So we meet Jonathan Rhys-Meyers striving for a new career low. He is a driver and they want him to drive for aforementioned crazy J Trav. He's not special ops certified, but in movie world what does that matter? All he's doing is driving him around! But if you know anything about bad writing, you know that that's not all he going to be doing. The trailer pulls no punches with this by showing us Travolta with a rocket launcher hanging out the window telling him to get closer. Yeah Baldvolta, you're in a car chase going close to the triple digits in speed and you're aiming problem with that rocket launcher is because he's not close enough. Rhys-Meyers is told that if he can handle this, he can "consider yourself a member of the club." Good. Now that "character" has "motivation". Didn't know special ops certification was a club though. Do you guys smoke cigars in dinner jackets? Or is it more like 4H? Something else the trailer pulls no punches on? Trying to make it look like this movie will have any plot. It just jumps straight into a chase scene. No set up. Just running. I like its candor. Then they start car chase scene. But WAIT!!!!! "My prints are all over that car!" R-M says, struggling WAY too hard to do a convincing American accent. R-M wants to go back and do the logical this by wiping away the incriminating evidence. But Baldvolta won't have any of this! After quickly summing up what "my prints are all over that car" means in context he puts the car in reverse, crashes it and causes the car with the prints to promptly explode. Naturally! "Work for ya?!" he says essentially winking at the camera.

The next few bits are my favorite. "From the director of Taken." I'm sorry, have I been asleep? Is that something to brag about? "And the producer of The Transporter!" Ok now I'm being punk'd right? That's like making a Wolfman trailer and proudly declaring "From the guy who brought you Jurassic Park 3!" THOSE MOVIES ARE NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT! Ugh. The next scene is also great. Really classy. Baldvolta and R-M sit down in a Chinese restaurant. Someone says some drivel about Baldy's methods not being regulation which leads into him telling the Chinese waiter that he wants to order off the menu. This is apparently some kind of code or something because everyone starts shooting at them. This continues for a while until R-M asks amid bullet riddled Chinese rubble "How many do you think there are?" "My senses," Baldvolta replies, "about a billion." Oooo clever. Then Baldvolta beats up a gang, more cars explode, stuff gets shot, people unnecessarily make out while stripping clothes off each other, and cars chase... other cars I guess. Basically formula of an action movie. The tag line for this film is: Two Agents. One City. No Merci. They thought they were being clever by making a play on the word Mercy. However they must have ate a lot of paint chips when they were a kid because roughly translated that comes out to: Two Agents. One City. No Thank You. Which is kind of how I feel about this movie as a whole. No Thank You.

#2 The Tooth Fairy*

Ok this was a really hard decision as to which trailer to place at number one. Both of the final two trailers are so terrible you wonder how the people who made them can sleep at night. Is everyone in this really that terminally mentally retarded or just so desperate that they will sell their dignity for a very low price. I mean, lets face it, none of us ever expected much out of The Rock. I would like to take this opportunity to nominate him as the worst actor of all time. But what about Ashley Judd, Julie Andrews, Billy Crystal, and Steven Merchant. They are all very talented in their own respect. I think someone must have kidnapped their children, or small pets. Something to logically explain their involvement in something so wholly wretched. And don't give me the "Its for their kids" argument. If you read my last post, you know how I feel about us making things idiotic for children. It's my biggest pet peeve. Its like we have no faith in them what so ever. That's kind of the thing these days with kids though isn't it? "No honey, you don't have to read a book or anything complicated like that. Just play your video games and don't bother mommy while she's sexting." Well I'm making a stand against this crap. I will NEVER let my kids watch something so void of intelligence, talent, or humor. "It's different when you have kids," some may argue. No it's not. I don't care. I would sooner take my (theoretical) 7 year old son to Inglourious Basterds. Why? Because Quentin Tarantino is not an idiot. But that's exactly what all the parents who pay for their kids to watch this chont are. I don't feel the need to fully dissect this trailer and point out what's so horrible about it. It does a good enough job of that on its own. I'll hit some highlights though.

-I like that the whole message of this film is: "Lie to your kids. Let them believe whatever they want, no matter how irrational, and crucify anyone who gets in your way of doing this." Think about it. The Rock tells the scrawny kid he's probably never going to be a professional Hockey Player. The parents get pissed about this but let me just say something, he's probably not. Then he tries to tell Ashley Judd's kid that there is no tooth fairy. She gets pissed about this. Let me tell you something else and this one may be hard to hear... THERE IS NO TOOTH FAIRY!!!!!!!!! The Rock was being honest. The rest of the film is him getting punished for that. Never tell your kids the truth. Never be honest with them. Now I'm not saying be an over realist like that kid in Miracle on 34th St. because we all know how that turns out. Tooth Fair is one thing but no one fucks with Santa. I'm also not saying not to teach your kids those holiday fables, but do we really need another film about an unbeliever who gets punished for unbelieving by having to become the thing he/she/it unbelieved in? If I had know this was coming out I would have skipped Santa Clause 3.

- The Rock gets a glowing summons under his pillow and is told that he is guilty of "Killing Dreams". Then he sprouts wings that look like they were designed by a 5 year old Martha Stewart with no artistic talent. The look on The Rocks face is priceless. Worst. Acting. Ever.

- The Rock is in flying school and gets hit in the testis by the tennis balls that black assistant fairy throws at him.

- The Rock decked out in his Goalie Tooth Fairy outfit saying with apparent pride "I'm the Tooth Fairy. Oh yeah!" Then he jumps off a balcony and screams like a girl and falls like a rock. (Mind the pun) Then it cuts to him with a dog hanging off his wing.

I also really like that everything I've noted that's wrong with this movie starts with 'The Rock'. The amnesia dust interchange is absolutely, maddeningly bad and kind of drives home every point I made in this article. Don't watch this. I'm warning you.

#1 The Spy Next Door*

< Ok here's my number one. Watch the trailer. It's atrociously bad. Also, if you'll notice, trailer voice over man is back making a terrible trailer into what truly is The Worst Trailer. Old Jackie Chan answers the phone "This is Bob Ho" and immediately annoying narrator guy says "Secret Agent Bob Ho has... blah blah blah." During this it shows secret agent bob ho blah blah blahing. Who thought this was a good idea? Was this trailer made for blind people?! (No offense to blind people... actually offense to blind people. They can't read this anyway.) Why do they feel the need to narrate EVERYTHING that's happening while it's happening? It's absurdly annoying. And Bob Ho? Really? It's like they took the idea from Shanghai Noon about Jackie Chan's Chinese name sounding like a famous person, in that case Chon Wang, and made it totally unfunny and pointless. The narrator continues and after some crap about how he's an international spy and super and stuff and finishes by saying very ominously, "...but he's about to face is toughest assignment yet..." Then it cuts to him in the car with a bunch of bratty kids arguing. Awesome. So this is The Pacifier, only somehow worse. No, I didn't think it could be done either but here we are. The annoying boy kid makes some smart remark about how he'd rather be in juvenile hall or foster care than be babysat by Jackie Chan. I would have punched him in the face right there. Shown him who's boss, but i guess Jackie doesn't have experience with kids yet. Then there is a montage of Jackie doing stupid stuff while trying to cook. What the hell international spy can't cook oatmeal or doesn't know that metal coming out of the oven is too hot to touch. What were these people thinking?! Oh right. They weren't. This leads to the narrator informing us unnecessarily that "He's deep undercover." Then it cuts to Jackie with his gangsta hands starts saying "It's rad, it's awesome." OH HELL NAW!!!!! He did NOT just use my name in vain. Not going to lie, that's one of the main reasons along with the terrible narration that led me to put this in the number one spot. Moving on Billy Ray Cyrus shows up to tell Jackie that "Spying is easy, babysitting is hard." Yeah that's why 12 year old girls do one and highly trained special operatives do the other. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I know why they put it in here. In a world for any of this pathetic excuse for a story to work, that sentence would have to be absolute truth. And I will say this. I had some Team Leader shifts where I felt I wasn't so much Team Leading as I was Team Babysitting. Babysitting is hard. But that's not the point right now. The next montage is Jackie, using his high tech spying equipment to succeed at babysitting. A little snaky wire comes out of a pen, grabs a little girl, lifts her off the ground and carries her back to Jackie. What did this little wire grab onto? Her skin? Looks like it. One more thing that was thoroughly thought through. He cooks breakfast with a flame thrower, because that's easier for a spy than using an oven or a frying pan. Things get even worse when they try to involve a plot. Some crap about oil reserves and the narrator telling us things are "getting complicated." Shut up. A teenage boy attacks them with a knife at an Asian restaurant. (Geez what is it with terrible films and Asian restaurant battles tonight?!) Of course at some point during this movie and trailer the 6 year old child helps the international spy fight off dangerous and evil cronies bent on all their destruction. The mom tells the stupid emo daughter "I don't want you playing with fire" right before the stupid emo daughter makes a 9 foot flame in the house to kill a man. This is apparently acceptable to the mom (modern parents are awesome) because she says "Well maybe just this once." Then the three year old shoots a weapon at the huge bald hit man (not Baldvolta, but probably a friend) that is powerful enough to make him fly through the air and crash through a wall. Does anyone else see anything wrong and slightly disturbing about that? Then the little girl who is basically there to be "cute" says in a very "cute" naive way, "Mommy, that man can fly." Stupid. Not cute. Sorry. More crap happens and we get to our stars. Jackie Chan. Sure, though this movie makes me want to forget that he was ever a star. I like that Amber Valletta is listed next as if anyone knows who she is or even cares that she exists. Then you have Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez. I will admit, I'm not really surprised either of those two are in this because this is pretty much a step up for both of their careers. The trailer ends with one of the stupidest things ever. The little three year old girl is strong enough to keep International Super spy Jackie Chan from putting a nighty on her. What does he do to this? Throw her thirty feet in the air and catch her in the nighty with all her extremities in the right holes. Wow. 'Can your Mommy do that?" he asks. What, toss their child into the air to a dangerous height and barely catch them? Best. Baby Sitter. Ever. That little girls face annoys me so bad too because it's almost worst acting that The Rock. I'm going to break this down for you, this is what happened. That little girl was such a bad actress she was incapable of making a surprised face. After many takes and many annoyed crew members at her inability the director opened his mouth to an o shape and said, "Do this and shake your head." Its one of the most forced, stupid looking things on all of these trailers and that's saying something. Now I know some of you are like, "She's just a kid! Cut her some slack!" No! Because she's in a movie and I know I'm old fashioned and everything but if you're in a movie, I believe you should be able to act. I know, I know this rule doesn't apply anymore what with Dane Cook and T Pain stinking up screens but I guess I'm just a purist. Actors should be able to act. Even children ones. Well I hope you enjoyed this and have added many new movies to the "Do not see under any circumstances" list. I know I'm more of a jerk this time. You can tell me that all you want, but I'll probably just delete it because I don't care and it's taking up comment space. Love, Rad *I know these movies already came out but they suck so bad i had to keep them in here.